Relationship rehab

I feel really strange lately. I've noticed it's because I'm single. For those of you who actually know me, you'll know that I don't usually have that status (unless it's on my facebook). I'm used to dating A LOT. I'm used to dating a lot of people at once A LOT. I used to think it was because I was just looking for the right guy, I was being open minded and not closing anyone out. Everyone would ask me, "how do you find so many people to date?" And I would just shrug my shoulders and tell them, "they just come out of the woodwork." Which is true. But maybe not the whole truth. The rest of the story starts out, "I just start talking to people, or make a comment about something. Just being me." So when I stop to look at those statements I realize they all start with me. I was the one reaching out, and happily accepting the attention that came with it.

Just last week, I had what Oprah would call an 'Ah ha' moment. My friend Chuck emailed me to let me know that he would, once again be coming to visit. He has come to

visit 3 times prior.

Every time, we had hope, we had chemistry and I always had a new love interest. Our timing was shit. Fully anticipating that history would repeat itself, Chuck kindly let me know that he was coming to Ptown in January and asked me who the new guys was, because, typically, that would be the situation. This question had surprising effects on me. At first I laughed. He was right, usually I would be starting another relationship. But then I thought, why would I do that if I had some feelings for Chuck? Which then led me to think, why would I constantly be looking for a new relationship when they don't go anywhere? I'm 27 years old. I want a serious relationship.

So I stopped.

I stopped "looking".

I stopped focusing on who was looking at me, or whose attention I could 'win'.

Full circle back to my last thought....'I was the one reaching out, and happily accepting the attention that came with it.'

Every date started with me, for the most part. Why was I putting myself out there so much? At the time I felt like, if I wanted something to happen I would have to get things started myself. I was asserting myself. And what was wrong with that? ... That perfect rhetorical question turned into an actual question for me today. What was wrong with that? What would happen if I didn't reach out? Would I still get the same attention? Further questions led me to...was I afraid that if I stopped pursing, would no one would reach out to me?

Meanwhile, my only single girlfriend is now dating someone with serious potential. Something else that has me feeling like I'm in another dimension. Mixed feelings of elation for her, a great girl, and a shattering awareness that I ... had nothin. Oh life. Thank you for putting these experiences in front of me so that I can feel the sting of growth.

So - here we are in this relationship rehab. I am resisting the urge to "put out the vibe". I am focusing on getting a job. A job that will lead me to my own apartment where I can have my cat. Then I can be my own person. Even today at the coffee shop, I resisted the urge to sit next to the cute athletic guy reading his willamette weekly at the off chance my proximity could start something. Instead, I focused on my mission to read my book. That would be it. That is change. Change is good. This is going to be a journey of it's own. But I know what I want. I want a partner, a friend, a lover, a husband. And I know what I will not do to get it.