Almost a year later.

I'm moving.

I'm making earrings again.

After a great conversation with my dad, I've come to terms with being single. I'm just doing single right now and I felt great about it. Not great, like I'm crying on the inside, but great like, it's all good.

My sisters are coming with my nephews tomorrow and life is good! Really Good!

Hallelujah!

If you find yourself going through hell, keep going!

What the cuff just happened?

I woke up, I was nervous about work (only because I've been lacking on the wardrobe - a.k.a need to buy new clothes) but was happily reassured via facebook chat by casual acquaintance, that it's just another day. With renewed affirmation, I got ready for work and set out to take on the day ahead of me. Phew, one obstacle out of the way.

Work, meh. Felt great, looked great. HOWEVER, today was a special day. I was suppose to meet up with Brandon after work. Brandon, my casual non-boyfriend boyfriend before Japan. I liked him. We were the most casual I've ever been in my life with someone. Maybe because I never actually trusted that there could ever be anything serious between us, but I liked his attention, mentally and physically. He was the last person I saw before I left for Japan and those memories I am quite fond of. But as the year went on, he did what most boys do and slowly fade out of view. When I returned home we tried to get together a couple of times, but it never worked out. I thought we had plans, but he thought our plans were never confirmed....the perfect metaphor for us. I knew in my heart that I would just continue down a journey with him of pseudo feelings and fun times, always longing for it to be more, resentful already of the passivity of his intentions. It was just time to stop playing games. Tonight's plans however were practically confirmed meaning he asked me hang, I asked what we were doing and then left it at that. I could have easily stood him up and played it off as if there was a miscommunication, but that is just not me. I would rather be honest, or honestly confusing, than be vague. As I left work, I was begging for the courage to not see him.

Instead of letting it lie, I called him up and let it all hang out. "In all honesty, I don't know what we had before I went to Japan and I don't think that's what I want anymore." He said to me, " but it's just stupid me." My heart sank. I realized I had de-humanized him into a caricature of a heartless boy. He said he didn't expect it to fall back to where we were before Japan, but just to hang out as friends. The me pre-Japan would have jumped at the opportunity to go and see what happens, to build a friendship and just let the waters guide my ship, but the post-Japan me just simply can't explore waters that have been tumultuous once before. The conversation got awkward and he blatantly stated that. He either said, "you are being awkward" or " this is awkward." Either way, the word awkward was used and I agreed. I wasn't prepared for a reasonable response and long pauses ensued. I told him I felt awkward because I had already made other plans. Then he said he felt like an idiot for being stood up. All I could say was that, "I just didn't know how to handle this and I'm sorry."

Something something, "have a good life" and I said "you too." No one knows how to end those conversations. I just sat there on the phone praying it would end. What do you say "Okay, well, I'll see ya?" It just seems so informal for talking about just strong feelings and yet "have a good life" is too serious for the reality that eventually we'll run into each other. This is a classic case of when words get in the way.

Then I get the text message : fyi, that may be one of the most undeserved and inconsiderate moves anyone has pulled on me in my post college adult life. So un called for. Have a good night.

I replied : I don't know what more to say other than I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

It's like - sorry for being honest. And also, I didn't realize you cared that much about me or we probably wouldn't have waited an ENTIRE YEAR before I saw you after I got home from Japan, right?

Thank goodness my friend Sarah was available and to her house I fled to drown out my guilt with a good ole fashion mushroom burger and some whiskey. But only for an hour or so. I was set on going to see Inception that evening. My original "ignore the Brandon situation" plan was to not call him and just go see Inception with my friend Josh. Well, by the time I got to the movie, I was not in the mood to see Josh or to see the movie really but I was already there and paid my ten bucks. (TEN DOLLARS!)

I understand that there is already a lot to my evening without this part two, but first let me say, this is my life - you just have to read about it - and two I don't make this shit up - when Josh first came and sat next to me, he smelled like cologne. It smelled fresh and nice. And then after about 10 minutes the perfume of the kitchen started to overtake his cologne, he had just got finished working at the restaurant and ran straight to the movies. Shortly there after a pungent aroma of ammonia pierced through that, reminding me of the 5 cats he has in his apartment, also reminding me of the night I had to drive him home because he was too intoxicated, finding his apartment at 1:30 a.m., having to use the bathroom and stepping into a house where the cat box had probably not been cleaned out for over 2 months. The movie was fantastic but I could hardly focus with the smell of grease and cat box.

I have finally arrived back at my house. I feel kinda like a wreck. I still feel icky about Brandon and that whole situation. Half of me feels like I could have pulled it off, hung out as friends just to see each other and then moved on, but the other half of me knows I would have just fallen back into that "I'll see you later" mentality or worse. This is all happening while I'm wondering if I should have told Josh he was kinda smelly....and also wondering why I keep hanging out with him knowing we're not going anywhere and feeling kinda trapped at the end of the night in the "please don't try to kiss me" place.

I'm just getting used to the idea that I'm going to be single and I'm going to be okay. Maybe I should just marinate on that for the rest of the evening. The reoccuring theme of this week : If you find yourself going through hell, keep going.

No, no, this is for a roommate, not a boyfriend.

I know I should be finishing up my thoughts on my family reunion, because I gave you a part 1 about it, but I have other fish to fry.

I am currently taking a break from looking on craigslist for a new place to live. MYLANTA! I have to tell you how ridiculous it is trying to even SEE the damn place people are advertising for on craigslist. If you are posting a room for rent - if it's the right price and the right area, people are going to respond, I am going to respond. If you have a room to rent, you really don't have to do much to sell it, in fact it's worse if you do, because then 10 magillion people are going to respond and I'll never even get an appointment.

I already went to 3 houses last week and got "turned down" from each of them. "Turned down" because they found someone better. This is worse than dating for fuck sake. (Sorry I had to use the "f" word, it really is only to express how passionate I feel about this ridiculousness).

So - tonight I came home, like the last 3 nights and started scrolling down craigslist for a room to share that is less than $450 in Portland. I used to look for things with only pictures attached, then I realized, the good ones don't have pictures, those are the people who don't want a magillion emails from crazy people...they are smart. So I've stopped looking at the pictures only search. The first 4 responses tonight went something like this :

Hi, my name is Kyla. I'm a 27 year old woman. I live in SE and my roommates are having a baby so it's time to find a new place to live (sympathy card - and also to let them know I'm not getting kicked out of anything). I have a degree in interior design and have 1 indoor cat who is great and gets along well with other pets (lies!) I'm really interested in getting together to see if I would be a great fit. Thanks.

I also give them my schedule and a few other fluffs about how I match what they are looking for.

After about the fourth one, I get an email back immediately, from a great apartment that I know I would be perfect for saying this :

Hi Kyla, thanks for your response, unfortunately we are already drowning in emails and have stopped scheduling interviews, but good luck in your housing search!

Well, that just sucks. I suddenly realized that NO ONE is going to even look at my emails unless I'm different from the rest. And damn it, I am different from the rest. So then I started to incorporate more of the me that YOU get to read. The sarcasm. The glue that holds me together. The next craigslist ad that I read after my rejection was for a 3 bedroom where everyone likes to hang out, have dinner parties - must leave specific contact information required. And they always ask for some small bio about yourself and "why" you would be a good fit. Bleh - my response :

Okay, here goes.

First things first :

Name : Kyla Howell

Phone : ########

email : kylahowell@gmail.com

best time to get ahold of me : after 7:30, anytime Sundays and Mondays

I can't begin to tell you how hard it is to get even a chance to see a place in Portland. I feel like I could write the best perfect bio of all time and somehow it would not do me (or you) justice. I'm me. I'm great, I'm amazing. I have a cat. I like what you like - or at least what you stated in your own eloquently written description of the house and home lifestyle. I LOVE food, I enjoy imbibing while eating good food. I LOVE costume parties...I threw 2 of them when I was living in Japan and scared the natives who have never seen a group of people parading around in sheets - or togas as we like to call them. I much prefer to meet in person so you can get the full experience of how awesome I am and what a great, chill, sociable, independent, creative, charismatic, caring woman that I am. I am also direct, you like that don't you? No muss, no fuss, no drama, just good times, respecting people's space and lives and sharing some of it together. right?

Honestly, I don't have to move out of where I'm living until October, but I too am looking for the right fit. Are you it? Lets find out.

Call me - my number is above.

Thanks!

I was feeling pre-tty good about myself after that one and was ready for the next. Setting em up, and shooting them down. The next was a great 3 bedroom bungalow off Hawthorne. This girl is my age and looking for 2 other roommates to share a house with. (I've responded to these before and it is such a popularity contest) So - with hopeless abandon, I penned :

Why I would make a great roommate

by Kyla Howell

###-###-####

I'm amazing. I want to find a place to hang out with some great people, share space, create an environment that is comfortable for everyone and still maintain some independence. I already live in SE and would love to stay in the neighborhood. My current roommates are having a baby so it's time to find a new space. I am also a woman in my late 20's and have a degree in Interior design. I am financially stable and am totally down with sharing chores. I love cats, I have 1 indoor cat who is a girl cat. She has lived with other cats before and has been fine with all of them. I just moved back from Japan last August and have had a very transitional year. I've lived with some friends while I've gotten back into the design industry - and now I'm ready to find a place that I can settle into and live for awhile. I'm hoping at least a year. At this point I'm not too particular about the room situation. I'm a very flexible person, I'm down to earth, funny, and direct.

Lets make a great home/space together and have some good times! I'm off work by 7:30 if you want to call and set up a time for me to come by. I don't work Sunday or Monday if you have time on those days too.

Thanks!!

Kyla

I even gave it a title.

Lastly, I was completely shocked by this craigslist posting. I mean they are complete amateurs - otherwise, after "cheap" "house" and "hawthorne" they wouldn't have added statements like "you're going to love this neighborhood" and "wrap around porch"

My response and I think it's a winner, Titled in the subject :

Why I would make the best roommate, by Kyla Howell

You know that you set yourself up for like a bagillion emails from people looking for the utopia you have created in your craigslist advertisement, right?

What it sounds like, is that you are really looking for a girl roommate to join your awesome boy club house. I hate to get sales pitchy about it, but in this day and age and with the competition I'm up against I have no choice but to tell you how wonderful and great I would be as that roommate.

here's the deal :

I'm 27. I'm an interior designer. I have 1 indoor cat (details). I am very sociable, but independent. I am no drama but good times for sure. I like to cook, garden, hang out, listen to music, dance hip hop at vega dance lab, design earrings, blog, read classic literature and watch bad TV on-line (don't judge me just yet). I have a guitar that sometimes I pick up - rarely, but I think it gives me style points, plus I think it's just good to have one in every home. I have an awesome bike that I would love to ride more of. PS - You totally sold me at wrap around porch.

You said something something, I'll need to come by and see it in person, I agree. When?

I will have time to swing by :

Friday : after 7:30

Saturday : after 6:00

Sunday : anytime

Monday : anytime

Tuesday : after 7:30

Wednesday : after 7:30

Thursday : after 7:30

call me : 971-219-####!

Ya - that's the spice. The sting and zest of me!

It's 12:20 in the morning and I'm exhausted. I'm excited that my humor has returned to me and that the girl who has the 3 bedroom bungalow wants me to swing by so we can "chat". These days, I don't get my hopes up about anything. You've seen my boyfriend stories....it's all the same. But we'll see. I'm sure that when it's right I'll know. Doesn't that sound familiar.

The family reunion Part 1 : If you clean it they will come

It really was amazing to be around everyone again. The awkwardness came rolling back and the eye rolling and side glances were reflex once again, but that's typical with my family. It had been just about 5 years since I had seen everyone and there are several reasons why but none of them were remembered or discussed, just happiness poured out of each of us to be reunited in Grandma Alice's house.

Grandma's house had sat dormant on my mother's property since my grandmother's death 5 years ago. A few family members had used it shortly after she died, though it had never been cleaned, and they left it the way they found it, if not worse. Dust covered the grease build up in the kitchen and cobwebs weaved a blanket of time over that. This was the house that we used to meet up at, a place where fond memories grew of our Matriarch, bringing the family together. Her house was our house, she was there simply to serve and observe. Upon arriving she would be in the kitchen cutting lettuce with her scissors, the rest of the meal prepped, the beverages (a.k.a. Tang) ready and the cups (with our names on them) out. We never thought about anything except to relax and enjoy each other's company when there. But it had been so long.

A few weeks earlier I had gone to Sweet Home determined to bring that house back to life. Four hours of scrubbing (and mom joining in for a bit) the kitchen was nearly finished. I could feel my grandmother returning to me with every cupboard restored. When the sky became dark, mom was emotionally drained and I physically, so we ended for the day. I knew I would return the following week for what was planned as family photos, but what would turn into a family reunion.

Just that morning Kara had arrived with Brian from Heather's house. She missed the breakdown I had earlier (it's almost mandatory to have one when visiting my mom's house) but I got to share hers as she debated going to a wedding or visiting with me and mom until the rest of the family got there, as planned. So much baggage literally and figuratively at my mom's takes awhile to transition into, like walking into a vacuum sealed room. At first, you feel like you can't breath but after you stop panicking you realize you're fine, but you're constantly aware that you're in a vacuum sealed room. I was surprised when Kara decided to stay and "visit" after I had just described my intentions to finish grandma's house as "getting medieval on it". But she knew how desperate that situation was, and as gut wrenching as it was to go over there, being in the state of such neglect, she went over there passionately to just GET IT DONE!

It took us another 4 hours, but this time, with 3 people putting all their efforts into it we were able to get ALL but 3 rooms cleaned from top to bottom. A truck was parked out front filled to the brim with old furniture to take to the dump, and another entire room was filled with items to donate to the goodwill. The kitchen, the heart of the house, was scrubbed, dusted, washed, vacuumed, the fridge plugged in and running and the pantry filled with the groceries we had just purchased. Kara and I put the 2 extra leaves in the kitchen table and gathered chairs from around the house to set around it. Mom, Kara, Brian and I sat proudly around the table at grandma's house dreaming of all the fun times that would now be had in our rediscovered get away.

That's when Uncle Stephen drove up.