Are you listening? No? Okay.

Please leave a comment if you read this. I need one. Anything will do.

false hope sucks.

fuck being 27.

I'm finding it very hard to stay positive these days. I realize why you don't want to tell people when you like someone...because when that person doesn't like you back...people feel sorry for you. And what does feeling sorry for you mean? It just means there is a plethora of feelings coming at you that is sadness. Rather than joy.

People are very powerful creatures. It's better to save up those spurts of energy for positive reactions and boosts. However, sometimes it's good to have people be concerned or sympathetic to your situation (I'm assuming). At this point I'm just pissed.

I have been stood up AGAIN. A - fucking - gain. This is the theme with men. I used be able to pick a man out of a group and that would be that. Now, they're all in a relationship OR if I do manage to get some attention from someone who isn't in a relationship they stand me up. I even went out with someone the other night - in spite of a boy who stood me up - and all I could think about was the boy who stood me up. Worse of all the man I was out with really liked me and I'm sooooo not attracted to him.

I officially will stop dating men I'm not attracted to. And also - I will stop dating full stop.

Fuck men.

I really want a family of my own. I really want a home of my own.

I know I pool all of my negative energy here and perhaps if I had a website called...Oh how great it is to be 27, I might have better experiences...or at least take stock of all the wonderful things that happen to me daily. I truly am blessed. The truth is...I'm giving myself 27 to adjust with the hopes that 28 will be a glorious year.

I will meditate tomorrow. If only for 10 minutes. I will meditate and focus on how much love I have in my life. (I am saying this for anyone who actually reads this). I have stability and resources to have mental health. I'm just letting myself fully experience this feeling of annoyance and frustration. Although I do need to do it in a healthy way. I should have gone to dance tonight.

It's alright. There's always tomorrow to start over again.

feelings that you can't talk about

I have noticed lately that I've had a bunch of feelings that I can't talk about. Not that I can't articulate my feelings, but rather that I "shouldn't" talk about them. And then using that word shouldn't makes me talk about them anyway.

People shouldnt talk about a pregnancy until they are in their 2nd trimester "just in case" it doesn't go full term. Why? It gets people's emotions "too high". But if the emotions are there already?

Me liking someone - similar situation. I shouldn't talk about it until it has "developed" into something "real" because I could get my hopes up or get other people's hopes up, in a situation they have no control over...or a situation I have no control over for that matter.

Why?

My painting reminded me last night too, that, time changes everything. I've been staring at this painting for the last 2 weeks now. It's hanging right next to my bed. I look at it before I sleep and when I wake up. Everyday I've noticed something new about it. something that has been there all along but I just haven't taken into account that it lends to the painting I believe I'm looking at originally.

sunny days!

I had an interview that I was asked to meet the boss' boss.

my pension money notice came....3x the amount I expected.

my mom got back from Costa Rica

it was pay day

and a boy who I've been crushing on asked me out (and he's not 21...he's 28).

That sounds like a pretty solid day.

1:16 in the morning.

freeze frame. It's 1:16 in the morning. I know this because I just got a text message.

Not 2 minutes before the text message, I finished the second episode of My So-called life this evening and had decided since it was my "Saturday" I would stay up all night and watch as many episodes as I want.

Then I get a text message. From a boy named Saun.

Saun is a 21 year old server at the Kennedy School. My first thought is, "WHO would be texting me at 1:00 in the morning??!?" Then I think, "awe, it's Saun." Then "oh, I see...who does he think he is texting?"

Then I think, "well, he couldn't seriously want a serious relationship if he is texting me at 1:00 in the a.m. He is only thinking about me in the middle of the night." Then I consider the fact that well, who am I to judge? I am awake. This is my Saturday night. Also, I consider that as a man he might consider this a courageous act. One that took effort.

This is where I go wrong. I give him credit. Note the word credit, as it will come into play in a real relationship some day when I am in a point system. Hold the phone, pun intended, the game is in motion and points are already in play, who am I kidding?

Milliseconds after these Epiphanies I run down my score card to see whose on base at the moment and to do some stats checking.

Saun - 21 year old server at Kennedy School. He asked me out every day last week only to have other plans come up. He did a courtesy call to cancel our real plans and followed up with, "I really do want to see you." No phone call the next day. Other servers at work ask me about him and accuse him of being a flake, but then suggest that I somehow turned Saun down when he tried to make alternative plans with me after his phone call. Now, sending me text messages at 1:16 am.

Brandon - have only made contact with him via gchat moved into texting when I had to change our plans. Sick the first time we made plans (email after the stand up) Found out he had a girlfriend, now he's currently single (or as far as I know) gchatted again to get my phone number.......

Christain - Kim and Adam's friend. Blind date coming over tomorrow for dinner at 6. (Please remember to be home Kyla - my brain has been failing me lately) Supposedly a nice guy and a taurus. Not completely attracted to his photos, but am interested in getting to know him.

Andy - graphic designer I met at the goodfoot. Have plans set up to see each other next Monday. I refer to him as Woogie (from Something about mary) because that's kinda what he looked like last I saw him 3 drinks in at the goodfoot. He is some how interesting to me - perhaps because he's a "grown up". He has a boston terrier, lives alone, works in the pearl and is taking a 2 week vacation in Belize next Wednesday. (pause for me to roll my eyes at how over the whole travel status I am.)

As I run down my list of current potential suitors, I decide not to respond to the text message at 1:16 am. I am worth so much more effort than that. Also, it's really about setting boundaries. Truth be told, I like who I am and where I'm at. I don't need to compromise that. And when I meet that person, I'll know. And it will be worth the ups and downs and mistakes and weirdness of all that is a relationship...and a whole hell of a LOT LESS THOUGHT.

Perfect glimpse of a stranger

I was sitting with my legs perfectly elevated on the black leather couch at Albina Press, occupied only by myself. I had been reading the required 100 pages of text for my family book club and was determined to finish it no matter how long it took.

I had sat on that couch solo for several hours, shifting and turning, watching people come and go, changing every few half hour increments. I had finally got comfortable and had put in well over 2 hours of reading when he sat down across from me.

Of course I couldn't look up from my book directly to see who had sat down on the couch across from me. He seemed fit. I tried to feel him out, feel out his presence physically before I glanced up.

Wait for it.. wait for it...quick glance.

Salt and pepper, 5 o'clock shadow, beanie - hot. :)

Suddenly I was very aware of my body. The double chin the position of my head was creating, the dryness of my lips, my legs however, were beyond comfy propped up and crossed at he ankle in my Ugg boots.

Suddenly he and I were sitting across from each other in our own home. He consumed in the newspaper, me reading my book. I was comfortable and I felt more of a connection with this perfect glimpse of a stranger than I felt in a while.

I let myself imagine him and I embracing and laughing together from some inside joke; me leaning on him affectionately sharing space and time.

And I thought it really could happen.

I checked my watch to see if perhaps he would come back this time some other day.

Years previous to my 27th, I would start a conversation and purse because, why not? I was in charge of my own destiny. But I realized that maybe it was because I was more insecure that perhaps no one would actually come up to me. But I've grown up. I'm 27. I know a little bit more about how it works and I'm ready for something real. I'm ready to believe I'm worth it and that someday the right person will see me and then a courtship will begin. My first. Maybe when I'm 27, why not?

makers

I almost tattooed myself today - well had one done. Why do I want a tattoo? To stop thinking about it? I want to get a skeleton key on my wrist. I just think it would look cool.

I panicked after my date cancelled (again). Although he sincerely apologized and explained he really wanted to hang out. I still get emotionally spastic not having plans. That and all my friends weren't picking up their phones.

I realized I need to do some serious breathing through those moments and just chill the f* out.

So what did I do? I went over to Katie Satre's house (a hilarious friend from my Hillsboro lifetime) and made Maker's milkshakes. A brand new discovery - booze milkshakes! I'm so glad I saved it till 27. Oishii desu yo!

recipe :

2 shots Maker's Mark

1/2 pint chocolate stout

chocolate syrup to taste

2 scoops of vanilla ice cream (maybe more)

add milk to top it off

fantastic

roller coasters and cats

Okay. There are friends and then there are family. Tonight I hung out with a variety of both categories. After work, wanting to show off my new vintage dress I hung out with a new group of coworkers; I hung out with the host and waiters. Those were friends. A group of Portlanders (some who did not want to be associated with, but were hipsters and some that weren't) and then I sped over to my friend's home who I've known for almost 5 years now, who have always been and always will be in my life, my Portland family - Emily Hanagan and Bia (and 2 and a half year old baby Freeman).

At work, we talked about Politics. We talked about how America has no culture, how we all feel void of our ethnic backgrounds. We talked about how President Bush was a fuck up and how President Obama reinstated the Patriot act. How our military is different from our feelings about the war, how philosophy is different than a psychology class.

With Emily and Bia, we talked about families, in-laws, divorce, childhood, sangrias and Valium (for which I was offered but casually declined). We talked about kids and families, dreams and roller coasters. Roller coasters being that which is our lives - be it 27 or 31, as in Emily's case. Apparently, that group of friend's voted me the coolest person in the bunch. I am immediately flattered but feel strange about it, being that I am just a normal 27 year old girl.

I drank a Irish cream milk shake after work and then wine followed by sangria. I haven't spoken to Gabby in over a week and feel great. I almost sold the same pair of earrings 2 times tonight and decided 2 very important things in my life : 1) I want a skeleton key tattoo on my wrist 2) I want to own a furniture company for a living.

Also - I came home because I realized I can't sleep without my cat.