The 71 year old- "I'm just here to have fun"-I think we got off on the wrong foot-sales woman

She smiled like the devil about to claim a soul. Her lipstick, puple ash in hue, peeled apart between the broken elasticity of her lips as she spread her mouth to expose her pearly soul suckers.

Laws of attraction.

I told Katie that it doesn't matter if I am my most confident self, I still manage to attract crazy idiots. Her reply, "well, maybe you should think about what that means!"

I laughed. Or maybe I cried. Or, I cried while I laughed. Either way there were tears in my eyes, but I did smile.

So thanks Katie. That is what life is truly about.

Where do we come from? Who are we? Where are we going?

Oh my gosh. enough about me...what is going on with my peers? Babies, marriage and .... infidelity?

tonight I had dinner with a great (acquaintance) friend of mine - and 2 of her girlfriends. P.S. Zilla Sake is the most authentic Japanese experience I've had in America since I've been home. But whatever. The point is....I'm talking to these 2 new girls who are both married, when suddenly the topic turns to one of the girls' "special friends". She then turns to me and says, "I've had my first affair. Or rather, my first indiscretion." Suddenly we were all in 1870 Russia and I was talking to Anna Karenina (which is the book I am completely engrossed in at the moment).

WTF?!

She said, "first" as in... not the last. She was contemplating continuing this "sexual relationship" a few more times. And she spoke of it so nonchalantly. Adding, "I have a great life. I do. I don't know why I am doing this. I have a husband, and a house and a great family and tons of friends. And I've been married and with the same person for TEN years." She drew out the word ten as if I could empathize what it must be like to spend ten years with the same person. (Nope). Immediately I thought about my sister Katie who has been with her husband for 10 years. It hasn't been the easiest for both of them but they never threw their hands up and said...well, I guess we could always just go out and find someone on the side.

This girl continued with, how her and her husband were trying to have a baby. (A great time to start sleeping with other people, I think.) How hard and stressful it is to have to have sex for reproductive reasons. And the expectations that come with it. This part I get. It must be hard. But that's when you start talking to each other, maybe? I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone, the way her two other friends were joking and laughing about this "indiscretion." The other girl being married herself! It was "funny" is what she kept saying. It was "funny". Thirty two years old, married for 6 years this Sunday, together 10 years, great life - and a "funny" affair. What a light word to describe something that can hold so much weight in her future. And there I was, sitting across from her "funny" affair. My first experience with someone "my age" in a lengthy marriage and an "indiscretion."

I know it happens. But I felt shattered a bit by it. There is pain, disconnection, suffering, shame, guilt, fear wrapped up in the word "funny".

"Where do we come from? Who are we? Where are we going?" Paul Gauguin.

Fifth date

It's amazing how a picture can capture a moment. And then how out of context the picture can be taken. Or the many interpretations of that experience just by looking at the picture.

Fifth date, people. Our fifth date. I took pictures to document the occasion. Of course he has no idea about the 5 date rule, and that really wasn't the "reason" behind the pictures. But it works, so I'm going with it.

Tate.

Our fourth date was a sham. But the karma gods were looking out for me. It had to be so in order for so many other events to occur. I think change happens after ideas are challenged and there was nothing less of ideas being challenged on our Sunday "breakfast" date.

I thought that he was suppose to treat me on dates. I thought he was suppose to pick me up on dates. I thought he was suppose to not make other plans so close to the time our date was. I thought he was suppose to kiss me on our dates. I thought he was suppose to be focused on me on our dates. I thought he was suppose to wait for me to finish paying before walking outside on our dates.

I forgot, he was Tate. I forgot he was just a person. I forgot to get to know him. I forgot to be curious, rather than assuming. I forgot to be me. I forgot there were 2 people on the date. All I could think was this means that and that means this and this means he doesn't respect me and that means, he'll take advantage of me and this means he's not affectionate.

Shortly after he drove away, I had a wonderful ($40) conversation with a woman I met at flutter (she read my tarot). Call it tarot, call it a scam, I call it cheap therapy with perfect timing. After talking to Mindy, I realized I had been letting all of my ideas and expectations, project onto this boy. I had lost my faith in relating. I recognized how confident I am in myself when I am alone, but how I forget that girl when I am with a boy. woops. I had to face the fact relationships are about helping your partner grow and learn about who they are and who you are. You can't do that when all you are looking out for is yourself. I think they say, something something, friends first. Rrriigghhht.

Oh and also to allow a nugget of bad timing, bad scheduling, awkwardness to be added to the human experience. Tate had to go to band practice at 1:00, we met up at 11:00. The wait at breakfast was an hour. We decided to try again on Monday.

So off I went for our "redo" breakfast this morning with a fresh mind. I was ready to get to know Tate. To listen, to remember who I am and to share that with him and to be open to his experience as much as my own. Turns out we had a great time. He was attentive, and always engaging in converstations. He picked up what I was putting down and shared bits of his life and feelings with me. Some of his bits included the fact that he is still dealing with his ex-girlfriend breaking up with him 2 months ago.

That's when it hit me : his perspective of "our" relationship is on a completely different level. That doesn't mean he doesn't like spending time with me or that he's not interested, it's just that he's a little raw. Not to mention the fact that 2 months out of a long term relationship is really more like 5 minutes. Relationships don't just STOP. They radiate and move like sound through space.

We hung out for about 3 hours and went from breakfast at Gravy, to reading our books at Albina Press, to walking in the Rose Garden hand in hand before dropping him off at home. A few sweet kisses followed a couple of awkward 'are we going to kiss' kisses on my part.

I don't know what comes next. I do know, I like him. I do know that it's really easy to hang out with him. We talk a lot. I think he's adorable, sexy and fun. I liked our time together. I know that I like my life. I like my cat and my jobs and my family. If Tate wants to be apart of that, I would like that too.

As I think of how I've changed my rules of dating - to five dates before I talk about them, I've now realized I've also changed my ideas about dating - to get outside my ideas and focus on the reality and weight of each situation.

It was nice to hang out with him. I like cream and sugar in my coffee. Josie is beautiful. It's the blanket.

First rule of fight club.

I have these feelings damn it and I need to express myself but all I can think of is the next Sunday breakfast at my dad's house where my family will casually throw in a few tidbits from this blog and we'll have to talk about it. Which ultimately is probably a healthy reaction, but now all of a sudden my inner rage is being shy. Shit. Not even rage, just, feelings. They have become 'explanations' instead. shit. fuck.

So, I'm dating this boy. And I have a new rule. I'm not allowed to talk about boys that I haven't been on at least 5 dates with. But technically, since this isn't a conversation (yet) I can talk about him here. Well the parts that I'm still digesting, because the reason why I don't want to talk about it, is because I've already said EVERYTHING THERE IS TO SAY ABOUT MEETING SOMEONE. Perhaps I'm jaded. But I do have some interesting insights about this new boy that I haven't experienced in a while. Something new.

Side note : do you know how sometimes I'll say (write) the word alas at the end of a sentence or thought? Well, I said that to him at one point and he followed with : A lad. That shit cracks me up. Although as I'm writing this I'm wondering if it was him who said it, or someone else I hung out with recently. No, it was him. How cute is that? He said it was the kind of humor his dad used - that's how I remember. His dad is dead.

So, some new revelations. Time apart is good. I feel like I now have the capacity for space. I don't worry if he calls or doesn't. I don't worry when we'll see each other again. I did for a split second wonder if it was a good idea to bump our Wednesday date to a Tuesday thing for a couple of reasons. 1) I was initiating. And I'm really not into that these days - I say, let the man have control over those details or not. 2) I really wanted to get caught up on So You Think You Can Dance. But all in all we had a great time Tuesday and I was relieved my initial feeling of rushing turned out to be just good ole fashion fun.....meaning yes, we made out in his car. But just making out (that's the ole fashion part).

We have plans for a fourth date on Sunday. He's taking me to breakfast (because I kicked his ass at bowling). So that means I will go - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday - 4 days without seeing him. It's kinda weird. It's slow but not slow, you know. Because my brain works in rapid succession, it's usually hard for me to have to think about things for so long, analyzing every moment and whatnot. But instead, I've kinda turned that off and I'm just .... present. He also likes to dance. And I'm not saying that like 'woohoo someone who likes to dance', more like, 'it's awesome and I'm surprised how uncomfortable it makes me that he is so open with his moves'. But at the same time, I'm inspired. I don't really want to throw too many details out there, but he kinda (to me) looks a little Tom cruise-ish. I love me some Tom Cruise. I mean not exactly like him but kinda. Hm?

While I'm not talking about this person I've only been on 3 dates with, I'm going to say it feels strange to feel comfortable with someone. A whole new slew of questions and concerns/walls are forming and I've begun to strategize how to get through this. And yet at the same time, I feel relaxed and confident about me. So, who knows what's going to happen? And.

Friend ships

I sailed away

I came back

I was attacked then deserted

I sailed away

The water calmed down

I returned yet again

The water was the same, though changed in my eyes

The water will always be beautiful

as long as I stay in my ship.