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check out my new blog : kylaonblast.blogspot.com where I take my next adventure ... finding The One.

I made it, I did it!

After rejoicing in her accomplishments and with pure excitement on her face, a friend of mine looked over at me and asked, "I mean, 5 years ago, did you ever think you would end up here?" To which I replied, "selling retail and living in someone else's house? No." And yet this is the success that my 27th year has brought. I started this year out living in an unfinished basement with wolf spiders and no job and that is sugar coated. After we had a good laugh about this comment, I reached my arms up to the sky and exclaimed, "I made it! I did it!"

Truth be told I have come a long way. I blank slated this whole year and have ended up happy, with my cat, with a job, in a house. Certainly not under the same circumstances I had envisioned but that's what happens when you move out of the country on a whim and officially hit the reset button on your life. Something something rewrite your own rules and here I am, I made it.

Overall, I guess the feeling that most sticks out from this year is pain. I went through a lot of pain and tears and really really tried hard not to watch the Notebook anymore (I've found that my well being has vastly improved). This pain also taught me how to "just say no to drama" and to have happiness and joy and love at the forefront of all my actions (up and to the point where I started selling retail) and even then I think what a great opportunity to learn patience.

I will classically take a moment to side note, to tell you that : working at my retail slash design job is like jumping into a play pin full of balls. It looks fun, there are a lot of balls, the initial dive into the balls is exciting. And then sometimes it hurts more than it's fun and I wonder how much longer I have to wade through these balls before I can start walking like a normal human being again.

But I digress.

27, I can't really complain. After all the lowest of the lows (*cough* basement) I've landed on top, literally. On top of the west hills. All of the bad things that I went through have somehow managed to smoosh themselves together with the good things. I've championed, I've triumphed, I've pissed off lots of people and I've managed to charm a few. It really took every person in my life to help me get here and for all of you I have nothing but gratitude. I don't know if it was because you really understood what I was going through or you were just tired of hearing me whine allllll the tiiiiimmme, but your words of wisdom moved me, sometimes right out the door.

God, I'm 28 now. What's left to complain about?

Work it

Total meltdown. Work is now work. It has managed to creep into every crevice of my mind and soul. It haunts me in my sleep, reminding me of all my shortcomings and unmet expectations. My victories are quickly overshadowed by my losses and my connections are quickly being squandered by the desperation in my face pouring out onto these poor (rich) people who I am desperate to sell shit to.

I have to remind myself that I am doing a good job. Unfortunately the bottom line washes out all the mantras I am evoking like inescapable white noise. I feel my manager's doubting eyes burning through the back of my neck and I'm not even at work! I'm sitting in MY house, on MY bed, looking at MY cat. The safe zone has been compromised by the growing wardrobe that was bought to silence these insecurities. They are in on the deal. They are watching me bide my time waiting to see who unravels first. I fear my threads are showing.

My heart is racing, I have 12 hours before my next shift. I sell furniture and apparently my soul.

The worst part is, I truly have no control over what or who is walking in through those doors. If I'm upstairs, I'm missing the clients walking in who know exactly what they want downstairs. If I'm downstairs I'm talking to the person who needs to know where the bathroom is when the person who wants 14 Maxwell chairs is talking to my manager. It really is just a crap shoot. I've tried to just make my managers happy, but unlike the Kennedy school, there is no easy arithmetic for this. There is only the bottom line. That is a sales position.

I'm really trying to work this out. I'm learning every day, I'm striving to work harder and be better. I try to not worry, not care about sales or my clothes or my hair. I try to memorize the prices on every piece of product and whats on line. I squeeze every ounce of 4 months experience into everyday and hope it's more than enough because that is what I'm putting into this, yet still feeling like I'm barely holding on.

All I can do is push these thoughts out of my mind. Just push as hard as I can to remain in the moment. Remember there are so many more important things happening in the world. Think about what I'm doing after 6:00 when I get off work. Remember all the fun things about my job. Focus on all the things that I can do. Push the positive energy as hard as I can, retrain my brain and keep on breathing. My life is what I say it is, everyday is how I say it is. I refuse to pay rent in my brain to this.

I want to say that I can do this and I know I can but I have a sinking feeling in my heart, a snag.

Fuck that snag. That is change happening. Push push push, work it.

I don't fake it.

I hate faking it. But was it faking it, or was it just being polite? I didn't really want to see her but she was there. I didn't want to share any bit of myself with her but in a group conversation, it's hard to chose who's listening. And I was being fairly successful at being selective in small side convos but then we were all together and the wedding came up. I listened quietly. I smiled apathetically while the group talked about something I had no clue about, I was not invited. And my smile wasn't apathetic because I was hurting. Somewhere in my heart, or maybe it was my head, I was feeling smothered by this aching of frustration and annoyance.

I want to be her friend, I want her to be someone she's not, I want to move on and not have to be around this kind of thinking and I can, except I want to keep hanging out at girls night and neither she nor I will stop attending. During our "high and low" game at girls night when we talk about our highs and lows of the week, I wanted to say, "Not getting invited to Gabby's wedding and then having to hear everyone talk about it at girls night." But what was the point in doing that? I didn't really want to go. I could feel everyone thinking it, all our minds connected in only the way a group of girls' brains could be, but I still couldn't say it. It would accomplish nothing. Before I was 27 I would have said it just to be bold. Just to put it out there, that I could say it. I was fearless and direct. There was nothing false in my mind. However the 27 year old me is starting to realize that silence isn't being fake. Silence can be strength. Sometimes giving the ache a voice is like giving breath to embers in a fire. I felt good knowing that only I was feeling my feelings and the only fires I was starting was the ones of sisterhood with the women who have loved and supported me through this tumultuous year. ...

I've moved into the house. THE HOUSE. There's a chapter. It is a castle on the hill and Josie and I couldn't be happier. Space, lighting, view, sunshine, city. I'm 5 minutes from work and I don't have to deal with anyone else's living habits. I feel like the dust is settling. And true to form, the closer I get to my birthday the taller I feel. I'm growing.

Piece by piece

Ah. I'm sorta enjoying this. This moment. The calm before the storm. My incandescent lamp next to my bed is glowing with calmness and warmth. Josie has become more snuggly. And I have a plan.

Well not for my whole life, but for the next week. Good enough for me. I've organized my packing for the move, I'm not stressed about asking for help because I know what people are moving (they're not helping me actually pack like previous experiences). Everything will be prepped and ready to go. I'm thinking about all the things I carry around with me and deciding it should only be what I can carry myself and happily most of it is.

I'm looking forward to quiet nights overlooking Portland, making earrings, reading, and working on Kiss My Sass.

My birthday is coming up in just about a month. The end of 27 is almost in sight.

Kim and Adam have been the BEST friends a girl could ask for. They have truly allowed me to get back on my feet and "settle" back into my life in America. I've seen my family a lot this year and the time I have just spent with my sisters and nephews have been priceless. I don't know what I would have done without my dad this year. And Mom, we've had some great times too.

In this moment, all I can be is grateful. Little fuzzy josie ears are poking out around the back of my laptop, nestled into my blankets, reminding me it's time to sleep.

Thank you.

Almost a year later.

I'm moving.

I'm making earrings again.

After a great conversation with my dad, I've come to terms with being single. I'm just doing single right now and I felt great about it. Not great, like I'm crying on the inside, but great like, it's all good.

My sisters are coming with my nephews tomorrow and life is good! Really Good!

Hallelujah!

If you find yourself going through hell, keep going!

What the cuff just happened?

I woke up, I was nervous about work (only because I've been lacking on the wardrobe - a.k.a need to buy new clothes) but was happily reassured via facebook chat by casual acquaintance, that it's just another day. With renewed affirmation, I got ready for work and set out to take on the day ahead of me. Phew, one obstacle out of the way.

Work, meh. Felt great, looked great. HOWEVER, today was a special day. I was suppose to meet up with Brandon after work. Brandon, my casual non-boyfriend boyfriend before Japan. I liked him. We were the most casual I've ever been in my life with someone. Maybe because I never actually trusted that there could ever be anything serious between us, but I liked his attention, mentally and physically. He was the last person I saw before I left for Japan and those memories I am quite fond of. But as the year went on, he did what most boys do and slowly fade out of view. When I returned home we tried to get together a couple of times, but it never worked out. I thought we had plans, but he thought our plans were never confirmed....the perfect metaphor for us. I knew in my heart that I would just continue down a journey with him of pseudo feelings and fun times, always longing for it to be more, resentful already of the passivity of his intentions. It was just time to stop playing games. Tonight's plans however were practically confirmed meaning he asked me hang, I asked what we were doing and then left it at that. I could have easily stood him up and played it off as if there was a miscommunication, but that is just not me. I would rather be honest, or honestly confusing, than be vague. As I left work, I was begging for the courage to not see him.

Instead of letting it lie, I called him up and let it all hang out. "In all honesty, I don't know what we had before I went to Japan and I don't think that's what I want anymore." He said to me, " but it's just stupid me." My heart sank. I realized I had de-humanized him into a caricature of a heartless boy. He said he didn't expect it to fall back to where we were before Japan, but just to hang out as friends. The me pre-Japan would have jumped at the opportunity to go and see what happens, to build a friendship and just let the waters guide my ship, but the post-Japan me just simply can't explore waters that have been tumultuous once before. The conversation got awkward and he blatantly stated that. He either said, "you are being awkward" or " this is awkward." Either way, the word awkward was used and I agreed. I wasn't prepared for a reasonable response and long pauses ensued. I told him I felt awkward because I had already made other plans. Then he said he felt like an idiot for being stood up. All I could say was that, "I just didn't know how to handle this and I'm sorry."

Something something, "have a good life" and I said "you too." No one knows how to end those conversations. I just sat there on the phone praying it would end. What do you say "Okay, well, I'll see ya?" It just seems so informal for talking about just strong feelings and yet "have a good life" is too serious for the reality that eventually we'll run into each other. This is a classic case of when words get in the way.

Then I get the text message : fyi, that may be one of the most undeserved and inconsiderate moves anyone has pulled on me in my post college adult life. So un called for. Have a good night.

I replied : I don't know what more to say other than I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

It's like - sorry for being honest. And also, I didn't realize you cared that much about me or we probably wouldn't have waited an ENTIRE YEAR before I saw you after I got home from Japan, right?

Thank goodness my friend Sarah was available and to her house I fled to drown out my guilt with a good ole fashion mushroom burger and some whiskey. But only for an hour or so. I was set on going to see Inception that evening. My original "ignore the Brandon situation" plan was to not call him and just go see Inception with my friend Josh. Well, by the time I got to the movie, I was not in the mood to see Josh or to see the movie really but I was already there and paid my ten bucks. (TEN DOLLARS!)

I understand that there is already a lot to my evening without this part two, but first let me say, this is my life - you just have to read about it - and two I don't make this shit up - when Josh first came and sat next to me, he smelled like cologne. It smelled fresh and nice. And then after about 10 minutes the perfume of the kitchen started to overtake his cologne, he had just got finished working at the restaurant and ran straight to the movies. Shortly there after a pungent aroma of ammonia pierced through that, reminding me of the 5 cats he has in his apartment, also reminding me of the night I had to drive him home because he was too intoxicated, finding his apartment at 1:30 a.m., having to use the bathroom and stepping into a house where the cat box had probably not been cleaned out for over 2 months. The movie was fantastic but I could hardly focus with the smell of grease and cat box.

I have finally arrived back at my house. I feel kinda like a wreck. I still feel icky about Brandon and that whole situation. Half of me feels like I could have pulled it off, hung out as friends just to see each other and then moved on, but the other half of me knows I would have just fallen back into that "I'll see you later" mentality or worse. This is all happening while I'm wondering if I should have told Josh he was kinda smelly....and also wondering why I keep hanging out with him knowing we're not going anywhere and feeling kinda trapped at the end of the night in the "please don't try to kiss me" place.

I'm just getting used to the idea that I'm going to be single and I'm going to be okay. Maybe I should just marinate on that for the rest of the evening. The reoccuring theme of this week : If you find yourself going through hell, keep going.

No, no, this is for a roommate, not a boyfriend.

I know I should be finishing up my thoughts on my family reunion, because I gave you a part 1 about it, but I have other fish to fry.

I am currently taking a break from looking on craigslist for a new place to live. MYLANTA! I have to tell you how ridiculous it is trying to even SEE the damn place people are advertising for on craigslist. If you are posting a room for rent - if it's the right price and the right area, people are going to respond, I am going to respond. If you have a room to rent, you really don't have to do much to sell it, in fact it's worse if you do, because then 10 magillion people are going to respond and I'll never even get an appointment.

I already went to 3 houses last week and got "turned down" from each of them. "Turned down" because they found someone better. This is worse than dating for fuck sake. (Sorry I had to use the "f" word, it really is only to express how passionate I feel about this ridiculousness).

So - tonight I came home, like the last 3 nights and started scrolling down craigslist for a room to share that is less than $450 in Portland. I used to look for things with only pictures attached, then I realized, the good ones don't have pictures, those are the people who don't want a magillion emails from crazy people...they are smart. So I've stopped looking at the pictures only search. The first 4 responses tonight went something like this :

Hi, my name is Kyla. I'm a 27 year old woman. I live in SE and my roommates are having a baby so it's time to find a new place to live (sympathy card - and also to let them know I'm not getting kicked out of anything). I have a degree in interior design and have 1 indoor cat who is great and gets along well with other pets (lies!) I'm really interested in getting together to see if I would be a great fit. Thanks.

I also give them my schedule and a few other fluffs about how I match what they are looking for.

After about the fourth one, I get an email back immediately, from a great apartment that I know I would be perfect for saying this :

Hi Kyla, thanks for your response, unfortunately we are already drowning in emails and have stopped scheduling interviews, but good luck in your housing search!

Well, that just sucks. I suddenly realized that NO ONE is going to even look at my emails unless I'm different from the rest. And damn it, I am different from the rest. So then I started to incorporate more of the me that YOU get to read. The sarcasm. The glue that holds me together. The next craigslist ad that I read after my rejection was for a 3 bedroom where everyone likes to hang out, have dinner parties - must leave specific contact information required. And they always ask for some small bio about yourself and "why" you would be a good fit. Bleh - my response :

Okay, here goes.

First things first :

Name : Kyla Howell

Phone : ########

email : kylahowell@gmail.com

best time to get ahold of me : after 7:30, anytime Sundays and Mondays

I can't begin to tell you how hard it is to get even a chance to see a place in Portland. I feel like I could write the best perfect bio of all time and somehow it would not do me (or you) justice. I'm me. I'm great, I'm amazing. I have a cat. I like what you like - or at least what you stated in your own eloquently written description of the house and home lifestyle. I LOVE food, I enjoy imbibing while eating good food. I LOVE costume parties...I threw 2 of them when I was living in Japan and scared the natives who have never seen a group of people parading around in sheets - or togas as we like to call them. I much prefer to meet in person so you can get the full experience of how awesome I am and what a great, chill, sociable, independent, creative, charismatic, caring woman that I am. I am also direct, you like that don't you? No muss, no fuss, no drama, just good times, respecting people's space and lives and sharing some of it together. right?

Honestly, I don't have to move out of where I'm living until October, but I too am looking for the right fit. Are you it? Lets find out.

Call me - my number is above.

Thanks!

I was feeling pre-tty good about myself after that one and was ready for the next. Setting em up, and shooting them down. The next was a great 3 bedroom bungalow off Hawthorne. This girl is my age and looking for 2 other roommates to share a house with. (I've responded to these before and it is such a popularity contest) So - with hopeless abandon, I penned :

Why I would make a great roommate

by Kyla Howell

###-###-####

I'm amazing. I want to find a place to hang out with some great people, share space, create an environment that is comfortable for everyone and still maintain some independence. I already live in SE and would love to stay in the neighborhood. My current roommates are having a baby so it's time to find a new space. I am also a woman in my late 20's and have a degree in Interior design. I am financially stable and am totally down with sharing chores. I love cats, I have 1 indoor cat who is a girl cat. She has lived with other cats before and has been fine with all of them. I just moved back from Japan last August and have had a very transitional year. I've lived with some friends while I've gotten back into the design industry - and now I'm ready to find a place that I can settle into and live for awhile. I'm hoping at least a year. At this point I'm not too particular about the room situation. I'm a very flexible person, I'm down to earth, funny, and direct.

Lets make a great home/space together and have some good times! I'm off work by 7:30 if you want to call and set up a time for me to come by. I don't work Sunday or Monday if you have time on those days too.

Thanks!!

Kyla

I even gave it a title.

Lastly, I was completely shocked by this craigslist posting. I mean they are complete amateurs - otherwise, after "cheap" "house" and "hawthorne" they wouldn't have added statements like "you're going to love this neighborhood" and "wrap around porch"

My response and I think it's a winner, Titled in the subject :

Why I would make the best roommate, by Kyla Howell

You know that you set yourself up for like a bagillion emails from people looking for the utopia you have created in your craigslist advertisement, right?

What it sounds like, is that you are really looking for a girl roommate to join your awesome boy club house. I hate to get sales pitchy about it, but in this day and age and with the competition I'm up against I have no choice but to tell you how wonderful and great I would be as that roommate.

here's the deal :

I'm 27. I'm an interior designer. I have 1 indoor cat (details). I am very sociable, but independent. I am no drama but good times for sure. I like to cook, garden, hang out, listen to music, dance hip hop at vega dance lab, design earrings, blog, read classic literature and watch bad TV on-line (don't judge me just yet). I have a guitar that sometimes I pick up - rarely, but I think it gives me style points, plus I think it's just good to have one in every home. I have an awesome bike that I would love to ride more of. PS - You totally sold me at wrap around porch.

You said something something, I'll need to come by and see it in person, I agree. When?

I will have time to swing by :

Friday : after 7:30

Saturday : after 6:00

Sunday : anytime

Monday : anytime

Tuesday : after 7:30

Wednesday : after 7:30

Thursday : after 7:30

call me : 971-219-####!

Ya - that's the spice. The sting and zest of me!

It's 12:20 in the morning and I'm exhausted. I'm excited that my humor has returned to me and that the girl who has the 3 bedroom bungalow wants me to swing by so we can "chat". These days, I don't get my hopes up about anything. You've seen my boyfriend stories....it's all the same. But we'll see. I'm sure that when it's right I'll know. Doesn't that sound familiar.

The family reunion Part 1 : If you clean it they will come

It really was amazing to be around everyone again. The awkwardness came rolling back and the eye rolling and side glances were reflex once again, but that's typical with my family. It had been just about 5 years since I had seen everyone and there are several reasons why but none of them were remembered or discussed, just happiness poured out of each of us to be reunited in Grandma Alice's house.

Grandma's house had sat dormant on my mother's property since my grandmother's death 5 years ago. A few family members had used it shortly after she died, though it had never been cleaned, and they left it the way they found it, if not worse. Dust covered the grease build up in the kitchen and cobwebs weaved a blanket of time over that. This was the house that we used to meet up at, a place where fond memories grew of our Matriarch, bringing the family together. Her house was our house, she was there simply to serve and observe. Upon arriving she would be in the kitchen cutting lettuce with her scissors, the rest of the meal prepped, the beverages (a.k.a. Tang) ready and the cups (with our names on them) out. We never thought about anything except to relax and enjoy each other's company when there. But it had been so long.

A few weeks earlier I had gone to Sweet Home determined to bring that house back to life. Four hours of scrubbing (and mom joining in for a bit) the kitchen was nearly finished. I could feel my grandmother returning to me with every cupboard restored. When the sky became dark, mom was emotionally drained and I physically, so we ended for the day. I knew I would return the following week for what was planned as family photos, but what would turn into a family reunion.

Just that morning Kara had arrived with Brian from Heather's house. She missed the breakdown I had earlier (it's almost mandatory to have one when visiting my mom's house) but I got to share hers as she debated going to a wedding or visiting with me and mom until the rest of the family got there, as planned. So much baggage literally and figuratively at my mom's takes awhile to transition into, like walking into a vacuum sealed room. At first, you feel like you can't breath but after you stop panicking you realize you're fine, but you're constantly aware that you're in a vacuum sealed room. I was surprised when Kara decided to stay and "visit" after I had just described my intentions to finish grandma's house as "getting medieval on it". But she knew how desperate that situation was, and as gut wrenching as it was to go over there, being in the state of such neglect, she went over there passionately to just GET IT DONE!

It took us another 4 hours, but this time, with 3 people putting all their efforts into it we were able to get ALL but 3 rooms cleaned from top to bottom. A truck was parked out front filled to the brim with old furniture to take to the dump, and another entire room was filled with items to donate to the goodwill. The kitchen, the heart of the house, was scrubbed, dusted, washed, vacuumed, the fridge plugged in and running and the pantry filled with the groceries we had just purchased. Kara and I put the 2 extra leaves in the kitchen table and gathered chairs from around the house to set around it. Mom, Kara, Brian and I sat proudly around the table at grandma's house dreaming of all the fun times that would now be had in our rediscovered get away.

That's when Uncle Stephen drove up.

The 71 year old- "I'm just here to have fun"-I think we got off on the wrong foot-sales woman

She smiled like the devil about to claim a soul. Her lipstick, puple ash in hue, peeled apart between the broken elasticity of her lips as she spread her mouth to expose her pearly soul suckers.

Laws of attraction.

I told Katie that it doesn't matter if I am my most confident self, I still manage to attract crazy idiots. Her reply, "well, maybe you should think about what that means!"

I laughed. Or maybe I cried. Or, I cried while I laughed. Either way there were tears in my eyes, but I did smile.

So thanks Katie. That is what life is truly about.

Where do we come from? Who are we? Where are we going?

Oh my gosh. enough about me...what is going on with my peers? Babies, marriage and .... infidelity?

tonight I had dinner with a great (acquaintance) friend of mine - and 2 of her girlfriends. P.S. Zilla Sake is the most authentic Japanese experience I've had in America since I've been home. But whatever. The point is....I'm talking to these 2 new girls who are both married, when suddenly the topic turns to one of the girls' "special friends". She then turns to me and says, "I've had my first affair. Or rather, my first indiscretion." Suddenly we were all in 1870 Russia and I was talking to Anna Karenina (which is the book I am completely engrossed in at the moment).

WTF?!

She said, "first" as in... not the last. She was contemplating continuing this "sexual relationship" a few more times. And she spoke of it so nonchalantly. Adding, "I have a great life. I do. I don't know why I am doing this. I have a husband, and a house and a great family and tons of friends. And I've been married and with the same person for TEN years." She drew out the word ten as if I could empathize what it must be like to spend ten years with the same person. (Nope). Immediately I thought about my sister Katie who has been with her husband for 10 years. It hasn't been the easiest for both of them but they never threw their hands up and said...well, I guess we could always just go out and find someone on the side.

This girl continued with, how her and her husband were trying to have a baby. (A great time to start sleeping with other people, I think.) How hard and stressful it is to have to have sex for reproductive reasons. And the expectations that come with it. This part I get. It must be hard. But that's when you start talking to each other, maybe? I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone, the way her two other friends were joking and laughing about this "indiscretion." The other girl being married herself! It was "funny" is what she kept saying. It was "funny". Thirty two years old, married for 6 years this Sunday, together 10 years, great life - and a "funny" affair. What a light word to describe something that can hold so much weight in her future. And there I was, sitting across from her "funny" affair. My first experience with someone "my age" in a lengthy marriage and an "indiscretion."

I know it happens. But I felt shattered a bit by it. There is pain, disconnection, suffering, shame, guilt, fear wrapped up in the word "funny".

"Where do we come from? Who are we? Where are we going?" Paul Gauguin.

Fifth date

It's amazing how a picture can capture a moment. And then how out of context the picture can be taken. Or the many interpretations of that experience just by looking at the picture.

Fifth date, people. Our fifth date. I took pictures to document the occasion. Of course he has no idea about the 5 date rule, and that really wasn't the "reason" behind the pictures. But it works, so I'm going with it.

Tate.

Our fourth date was a sham. But the karma gods were looking out for me. It had to be so in order for so many other events to occur. I think change happens after ideas are challenged and there was nothing less of ideas being challenged on our Sunday "breakfast" date.

I thought that he was suppose to treat me on dates. I thought he was suppose to pick me up on dates. I thought he was suppose to not make other plans so close to the time our date was. I thought he was suppose to kiss me on our dates. I thought he was suppose to be focused on me on our dates. I thought he was suppose to wait for me to finish paying before walking outside on our dates.

I forgot, he was Tate. I forgot he was just a person. I forgot to get to know him. I forgot to be curious, rather than assuming. I forgot to be me. I forgot there were 2 people on the date. All I could think was this means that and that means this and this means he doesn't respect me and that means, he'll take advantage of me and this means he's not affectionate.

Shortly after he drove away, I had a wonderful ($40) conversation with a woman I met at flutter (she read my tarot). Call it tarot, call it a scam, I call it cheap therapy with perfect timing. After talking to Mindy, I realized I had been letting all of my ideas and expectations, project onto this boy. I had lost my faith in relating. I recognized how confident I am in myself when I am alone, but how I forget that girl when I am with a boy. woops. I had to face the fact relationships are about helping your partner grow and learn about who they are and who you are. You can't do that when all you are looking out for is yourself. I think they say, something something, friends first. Rrriigghhht.

Oh and also to allow a nugget of bad timing, bad scheduling, awkwardness to be added to the human experience. Tate had to go to band practice at 1:00, we met up at 11:00. The wait at breakfast was an hour. We decided to try again on Monday.

So off I went for our "redo" breakfast this morning with a fresh mind. I was ready to get to know Tate. To listen, to remember who I am and to share that with him and to be open to his experience as much as my own. Turns out we had a great time. He was attentive, and always engaging in converstations. He picked up what I was putting down and shared bits of his life and feelings with me. Some of his bits included the fact that he is still dealing with his ex-girlfriend breaking up with him 2 months ago.

That's when it hit me : his perspective of "our" relationship is on a completely different level. That doesn't mean he doesn't like spending time with me or that he's not interested, it's just that he's a little raw. Not to mention the fact that 2 months out of a long term relationship is really more like 5 minutes. Relationships don't just STOP. They radiate and move like sound through space.

We hung out for about 3 hours and went from breakfast at Gravy, to reading our books at Albina Press, to walking in the Rose Garden hand in hand before dropping him off at home. A few sweet kisses followed a couple of awkward 'are we going to kiss' kisses on my part.

I don't know what comes next. I do know, I like him. I do know that it's really easy to hang out with him. We talk a lot. I think he's adorable, sexy and fun. I liked our time together. I know that I like my life. I like my cat and my jobs and my family. If Tate wants to be apart of that, I would like that too.

As I think of how I've changed my rules of dating - to five dates before I talk about them, I've now realized I've also changed my ideas about dating - to get outside my ideas and focus on the reality and weight of each situation.

It was nice to hang out with him. I like cream and sugar in my coffee. Josie is beautiful. It's the blanket.

First rule of fight club.

I have these feelings damn it and I need to express myself but all I can think of is the next Sunday breakfast at my dad's house where my family will casually throw in a few tidbits from this blog and we'll have to talk about it. Which ultimately is probably a healthy reaction, but now all of a sudden my inner rage is being shy. Shit. Not even rage, just, feelings. They have become 'explanations' instead. shit. fuck.

So, I'm dating this boy. And I have a new rule. I'm not allowed to talk about boys that I haven't been on at least 5 dates with. But technically, since this isn't a conversation (yet) I can talk about him here. Well the parts that I'm still digesting, because the reason why I don't want to talk about it, is because I've already said EVERYTHING THERE IS TO SAY ABOUT MEETING SOMEONE. Perhaps I'm jaded. But I do have some interesting insights about this new boy that I haven't experienced in a while. Something new.

Side note : do you know how sometimes I'll say (write) the word alas at the end of a sentence or thought? Well, I said that to him at one point and he followed with : A lad. That shit cracks me up. Although as I'm writing this I'm wondering if it was him who said it, or someone else I hung out with recently. No, it was him. How cute is that? He said it was the kind of humor his dad used - that's how I remember. His dad is dead.

So, some new revelations. Time apart is good. I feel like I now have the capacity for space. I don't worry if he calls or doesn't. I don't worry when we'll see each other again. I did for a split second wonder if it was a good idea to bump our Wednesday date to a Tuesday thing for a couple of reasons. 1) I was initiating. And I'm really not into that these days - I say, let the man have control over those details or not. 2) I really wanted to get caught up on So You Think You Can Dance. But all in all we had a great time Tuesday and I was relieved my initial feeling of rushing turned out to be just good ole fashion fun.....meaning yes, we made out in his car. But just making out (that's the ole fashion part).

We have plans for a fourth date on Sunday. He's taking me to breakfast (because I kicked his ass at bowling). So that means I will go - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday - 4 days without seeing him. It's kinda weird. It's slow but not slow, you know. Because my brain works in rapid succession, it's usually hard for me to have to think about things for so long, analyzing every moment and whatnot. But instead, I've kinda turned that off and I'm just .... present. He also likes to dance. And I'm not saying that like 'woohoo someone who likes to dance', more like, 'it's awesome and I'm surprised how uncomfortable it makes me that he is so open with his moves'. But at the same time, I'm inspired. I don't really want to throw too many details out there, but he kinda (to me) looks a little Tom cruise-ish. I love me some Tom Cruise. I mean not exactly like him but kinda. Hm?

While I'm not talking about this person I've only been on 3 dates with, I'm going to say it feels strange to feel comfortable with someone. A whole new slew of questions and concerns/walls are forming and I've begun to strategize how to get through this. And yet at the same time, I feel relaxed and confident about me. So, who knows what's going to happen? And.

Friend ships

I sailed away

I came back

I was attacked then deserted

I sailed away

The water calmed down

I returned yet again

The water was the same, though changed in my eyes

The water will always be beautiful

as long as I stay in my ship.

Taking one for the team

I'm sitting across from a first date. Or, maybe a second date. It's a coffee date at Stumptown. This is good. Good to observe the beginning of two people. Good to not be in the first date, oy vey. It looks like a train wreck.

Long conversations. Sitting side by side, having to turn your head. Over talking, for talking sake. Over sharing tidbits of your life or filling the time with random thoughts that come into your head. A song comes on, a story of traveling experience with a turn on a dance floor and a cry, turns into a conversation about dancing. Dancing turns into school dances to school. School to her children, her children to the kids he works with. A forced flirtatious laughter; something else to fill the obvious disconnect between them. I would like to consider this the push. The push is forcing your energy closer to theirs, a jump across the void to bring oneself closer. It is a force against something unnatural. It's a lack of physical attraction. Otherwise it wouldn't matter what was coming out of their mouth.

However, I have to say, people do push themselves outside of their "attractive" expectation box, because you learn as you get older, we are all mostly just looking for kindness and love and a friend; a connection somewhere, between someone (hence the push). I'm not saying they won't be perfect for each other in the long run, but now, they are not "naturally" comfortable with each other.

She is a slender 30 year old woman with pink pocka dots on her socks. Short brown hair, coffee in hand. He is a tall mid 30's gentleman. A few piercings up his earlobe, his slightly portly jowl is covered by his bushy goatee. He sports some thick black rim glasses and his black tee over a white tee is speckled by his morning's beard trimmings. He doesn't notice. Nice.

She started to talk about how her daughter wants to be a writer. Awkwardly - and as all rambling slightly disconnected conversations go - he tries to relate and share intimacy by expressing his love for writing.

Swing and a miss.

She wanted to share more about her daughter. She's not interested in his passion for writing. She stops actively listening. He senses her distance and talks more about what he writes and how long he has written in an attempt to say the right thing. He finishes enigmatically with...."but I don't enjoy playing scramble, huh".

She tries to save him, "huh. Interesting."

Ah.

My coffee is good. I'm sitting at stumptown alone and feeling amazing. I'm soooooo glad I'm watching this "date" as opposed to being in one. I am almost grateful that these people are taking one for the singles team today. I'm going to continue researching the ICFF (International Contemporary Furniture Fair) and eyeballing the "single" man journaling adjacent from me. And happily doing it, alone.

Everything I wanted to know, I learned from my cat.

Josie.

Perfect in every way.

Lately, I've been worried about her. Every time I am in her presence she is meowing and cawing me into the room to feed her. That would be normal behavior if I haven't fed her during her feeding time. However, this is maybe just 30 minutes or less from the last time I fed her. She is frantic and wrought with desperation as if she will never get fed again if there is no food in her bowl. No amount of loving or distraction detours her from her mission to put food into the bowl.

Granted she is dealing with new elements in her living conditions.

She is used to being a "snacker". But as of late I have to remove all the left over food in her bowl when she is done "feeding" so Olive the other cat can't eat it (Olive has to eat special food to prevent a urinary tract infection. She is special needs.) Well, when the food goes away, Josie freaks out. She likes to eat several times a day and she has regulated and controlled her food consumption like that for the last 6 years I've had her.

And now, things have changed.

Last night, she was wailing for food. Even after I fed her, waited for her to eat it (which she did hurriedly) and had the door shut so she could snack for as long as she wished. She has learned that no matter what the food will be taken out and not there. It was really starting to get ANNOYING. I was annoyed with her. My baby! I just couldn't figure her out. What happened to the Josie I used to know who would sleep all day and strut with sloth like movements toward her food dish to supplement herself before her next nap? I kept reminding her, "you don't have to eat so fast. There is no reason for you to be freaking out like this all the time. You know that you will be fed. You just ate 10 minutes ago, you are not even hungry. You are just afraid that the food won't be there, but you know food is always going to be there." Suddenly it hit me.

I do the same thing about men and dating.

You know what I mean. You've read these pathetic single antics on my blog. Wailing for a man to come into my life. Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? I sound just like Josie desperate for her food.

Immediately I laughed. Wow. And then I felt still. I felt reassured. I felt content that someday I will meet him. It has been less than a week since my last date for heaven's sake. There is no need to be so in a hurry to find someone. There is always someone new to meet and have fun with. So in the mean time, I will just RELAX and enjoy life leisurely, just like Josie used to, curled up into a ball on the end of my bed, with happy, sleepy eyes, trusting that everything she ever needed would be provided without question.

raft trip raft trip raft trip!

OMG! The raft trip is coming up! woot woot!

I didn't get to go last year for obvious reasons...out of the country blah blah blah. But this is my favorite thing to do every year. Despite the awkward tension amongst food groups (my family cooks their own meals and then everyone else is in a food group) and despite the overt contests to see who has the best (most expensive) toys, gear, food, wine, cigars, scotch, lounge chairs, sunscreen, juice, clothes, head lamps, sleeping bags, cameras, etc...I love this camping trip. It's 4 days OUTSIDE. 4 days on the earth itself, floating and drinking, feeling the air on my skin, hardly any electronic devices in sight. Just me, a book and a greyhound with my feet in the river. Fuck ya.

I wish my sisters could come, we always find some way to entertain ourselves, inevitably entertaining everyone else. Alas, it just wasn't in the cards for this trip. However, 2 of my darling and longest time friends are coming : Nick and Tim. Both of whom I've dated, etc. Both of whom I went on my first rafting trips with, both of whom are best friends. I have recently just reconnected with Nick who I've known since I was about 3ish, but I haven't seen Tim since we last dated, about 2 years ago. Hmmm....I'm glad we have all remained friends, and it will be SUCH an adventure to see how this year's rafting trip group dynamic will work out. I swear they should make some sort of reality show out of this.

I will sadly miss my older sister getting incredibly drunk by 7:00 and passing out somewhere dangerous, like in a bush full of tics, but it will save me the pain of having to slap her or drag her to the tent. HA! I guess she'll just have to do that in the privacy of her own backyard this year. And Kara will just have to go on entertaining her husband and vice versa at home with their new little kitty Sitka. I digress.

I can't wait to feel the chill of spring as I'm floating down the river, reminding me that I'm alive and life is good. Ahh.

I'm not there yet.

A reoccurring theme this year, I may have already touched on : A complete lack of follow through. I am walking through a cloud of personal growth and exploration this year and intermittently men will appear out of the mist and slide back just as quickly into another pocket of it. As they come into focus they say things like, "lets hang out" "I want to spend more time with you" "I like you" and that is the last thing I hear before they disappear.

I had all but figured out this game of mirage when the world took it to the next level.

There is a man at work who offered to let me buy his dresser. I truly believed I manifested this experience because of late, I had been looking much closer at my dresser situation and thinking about what kind of dresser I would like to have. Then one day, "Hey Kyla, do you by any chance need a dresser?"

"Yes!"

"I'll sell it to you for $75, 1940's art deco, mahogany, 5 drawers."

"Um, PERFECT!"

Yesterday I get a call. "I'm soooooo sorry, but I'm not going to be able to give you the dresser because my mom really wants to keep it in the family."

Honestly, I get that. I respect the family heirloom issue. Have you met my mother? But in all actuality, this is another instance where the world is telling me to not hold my breath. Another smack down in the game of high hopes. A secured transaction slid into a pocket of mist.

I know this sounds like a lot of wah wah wah, but I'm trying to figure this out. I am desperately trying to learn the lessons of this year. I'm pretty damn stubborn and am really not getting it so easily. Fortunately for me, the world keeps drilling it into me one empty promise at a time.

Wow. Way to end on a high note.

Friends

Okay. I need new friends. This is ridiculous.

One of the reasons I returned to America was because of the plethora of friends I had developed before I left. My friends are very important to me. Developing my friendships and staying in touch is important to me. Apparently, only to me.

I used to have girls night where I conglomerated all my lady friends so I could see them all at one time and they could become close. It was awesome for about 3 years. Then I moved to Japan, moved back and BAM : change. Which is completely natural. However, I didn't anticipate such a large shift in the way I viewed my friends.

I think before Japan (or "pre" Japan as my Dad and I coined - B.J. was too awkward so we say P. J.) I was devoted to my friends in so far as to over look certain attributes that may have compromised my feelings. But now, UM, no. If shit isn't vibing, shit isn't vibing. Take for example the whole Gabby thing - she felt like I took advantage of people who cared about me. Does that fit into how I see myself or my interactions with people I care about? NO. So, sorry. If I don't work for you, you don't work for me and I'm okay with cutting ties.

Unfortunately this has been happening with a few other of my core friends. I have another BEST friend who used to be my roommate. P.J. she told me she didn't want me to try out for her softball team. Not just that she didn't want me to try out, but that her softball team was a serious sport and not just a "fun" thing to do. Okay. P.J. I brushed it off, wanting to look past silly shit like a softball team. But since I've been back her opinion has not changed. Has she seen me play softball? No. Has she seen me be athletic? No. She continues to drag out her feelings as fact and it not only pisses me off because when someone tells me I can't do something I want nothing more than to prove them wrong, but also because she is simply JUDGING me. FAITHLESS in my abilities, nor does she have interest in the joy I would get out of playing a game of softball with a fellow comrade. Fuck if she could tell me of a beginners league, simply put, "I can't play softball, she doesn't want me to get hurt."

This is petty, yes. But if you're me, you're reading in between the lines that are in between the lines and you see that what she is saying is : you're not a good enough person to be around in other social environments.

Fine.

BUT THEN....my rock, my very flaky but always predictable friend has of late been putting me off. And tonight after her telling me eagerly we should get together, she ignored my call after 2 rings, then texted me she was too tired to hang out.

Fine.

Side story....asshole mcgee has been laying it on VERY thick lately, going so far as to ask me out tonight and find out when he could take me out to dinner. I was TOTALLY going to blow him off, knowing full well if I was to call him tonight he would blow me off, but after being blown off by my "best" friend I threw my hands in the air and called him.

I NEED NEW FRIENDS. AVAILABLE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME - WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY HANG OUT IN BETWEEN MY THREE JOBS.

He answered and I hung out with him and a friend. Hallelujah. We hung out.

I felt wreckless and impulsive by calling him. I can't help I have a HUGE crush on him. He is total eye candy for me. Is he 'dicking me around' as my Dad declared? I don't know. But he answered his damn phone and we hung out. Which is A LOT more than I can say for my friends these days (Trish excluded who implored me to take the boat out today and I couldn't because of work).

What I'm trying to say, in so many words, I'm frustrated that the people who mean the world to me and who I make priority are treating me like .... well, "friends" I guess. And I need f r i e n d s. I am totally spoiled by my sister Katie who makes me feel like #1 regardless. I love you. And you too Kara. But family aside -

At this point I'll take a quick illusion of friendship over a cold rain check any day.