If you find yourself going through hell, keep going!

What the cuff just happened?

I woke up, I was nervous about work (only because I've been lacking on the wardrobe - a.k.a need to buy new clothes) but was happily reassured via facebook chat by casual acquaintance, that it's just another day. With renewed affirmation, I got ready for work and set out to take on the day ahead of me. Phew, one obstacle out of the way.

Work, meh. Felt great, looked great. HOWEVER, today was a special day. I was suppose to meet up with Brandon after work. Brandon, my casual non-boyfriend boyfriend before Japan. I liked him. We were the most casual I've ever been in my life with someone. Maybe because I never actually trusted that there could ever be anything serious between us, but I liked his attention, mentally and physically. He was the last person I saw before I left for Japan and those memories I am quite fond of. But as the year went on, he did what most boys do and slowly fade out of view. When I returned home we tried to get together a couple of times, but it never worked out. I thought we had plans, but he thought our plans were never confirmed....the perfect metaphor for us. I knew in my heart that I would just continue down a journey with him of pseudo feelings and fun times, always longing for it to be more, resentful already of the passivity of his intentions. It was just time to stop playing games. Tonight's plans however were practically confirmed meaning he asked me hang, I asked what we were doing and then left it at that. I could have easily stood him up and played it off as if there was a miscommunication, but that is just not me. I would rather be honest, or honestly confusing, than be vague. As I left work, I was begging for the courage to not see him.

Instead of letting it lie, I called him up and let it all hang out. "In all honesty, I don't know what we had before I went to Japan and I don't think that's what I want anymore." He said to me, " but it's just stupid me." My heart sank. I realized I had de-humanized him into a caricature of a heartless boy. He said he didn't expect it to fall back to where we were before Japan, but just to hang out as friends. The me pre-Japan would have jumped at the opportunity to go and see what happens, to build a friendship and just let the waters guide my ship, but the post-Japan me just simply can't explore waters that have been tumultuous once before. The conversation got awkward and he blatantly stated that. He either said, "you are being awkward" or " this is awkward." Either way, the word awkward was used and I agreed. I wasn't prepared for a reasonable response and long pauses ensued. I told him I felt awkward because I had already made other plans. Then he said he felt like an idiot for being stood up. All I could say was that, "I just didn't know how to handle this and I'm sorry."

Something something, "have a good life" and I said "you too." No one knows how to end those conversations. I just sat there on the phone praying it would end. What do you say "Okay, well, I'll see ya?" It just seems so informal for talking about just strong feelings and yet "have a good life" is too serious for the reality that eventually we'll run into each other. This is a classic case of when words get in the way.

Then I get the text message : fyi, that may be one of the most undeserved and inconsiderate moves anyone has pulled on me in my post college adult life. So un called for. Have a good night.

I replied : I don't know what more to say other than I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

It's like - sorry for being honest. And also, I didn't realize you cared that much about me or we probably wouldn't have waited an ENTIRE YEAR before I saw you after I got home from Japan, right?

Thank goodness my friend Sarah was available and to her house I fled to drown out my guilt with a good ole fashion mushroom burger and some whiskey. But only for an hour or so. I was set on going to see Inception that evening. My original "ignore the Brandon situation" plan was to not call him and just go see Inception with my friend Josh. Well, by the time I got to the movie, I was not in the mood to see Josh or to see the movie really but I was already there and paid my ten bucks. (TEN DOLLARS!)

I understand that there is already a lot to my evening without this part two, but first let me say, this is my life - you just have to read about it - and two I don't make this shit up - when Josh first came and sat next to me, he smelled like cologne. It smelled fresh and nice. And then after about 10 minutes the perfume of the kitchen started to overtake his cologne, he had just got finished working at the restaurant and ran straight to the movies. Shortly there after a pungent aroma of ammonia pierced through that, reminding me of the 5 cats he has in his apartment, also reminding me of the night I had to drive him home because he was too intoxicated, finding his apartment at 1:30 a.m., having to use the bathroom and stepping into a house where the cat box had probably not been cleaned out for over 2 months. The movie was fantastic but I could hardly focus with the smell of grease and cat box.

I have finally arrived back at my house. I feel kinda like a wreck. I still feel icky about Brandon and that whole situation. Half of me feels like I could have pulled it off, hung out as friends just to see each other and then moved on, but the other half of me knows I would have just fallen back into that "I'll see you later" mentality or worse. This is all happening while I'm wondering if I should have told Josh he was kinda smelly....and also wondering why I keep hanging out with him knowing we're not going anywhere and feeling kinda trapped at the end of the night in the "please don't try to kiss me" place.

I'm just getting used to the idea that I'm going to be single and I'm going to be okay. Maybe I should just marinate on that for the rest of the evening. The reoccuring theme of this week : If you find yourself going through hell, keep going.