Work it

Total meltdown. Work is now work. It has managed to creep into every crevice of my mind and soul. It haunts me in my sleep, reminding me of all my shortcomings and unmet expectations. My victories are quickly overshadowed by my losses and my connections are quickly being squandered by the desperation in my face pouring out onto these poor (rich) people who I am desperate to sell shit to.

I have to remind myself that I am doing a good job. Unfortunately the bottom line washes out all the mantras I am evoking like inescapable white noise. I feel my manager's doubting eyes burning through the back of my neck and I'm not even at work! I'm sitting in MY house, on MY bed, looking at MY cat. The safe zone has been compromised by the growing wardrobe that was bought to silence these insecurities. They are in on the deal. They are watching me bide my time waiting to see who unravels first. I fear my threads are showing.

My heart is racing, I have 12 hours before my next shift. I sell furniture and apparently my soul.

The worst part is, I truly have no control over what or who is walking in through those doors. If I'm upstairs, I'm missing the clients walking in who know exactly what they want downstairs. If I'm downstairs I'm talking to the person who needs to know where the bathroom is when the person who wants 14 Maxwell chairs is talking to my manager. It really is just a crap shoot. I've tried to just make my managers happy, but unlike the Kennedy school, there is no easy arithmetic for this. There is only the bottom line. That is a sales position.

I'm really trying to work this out. I'm learning every day, I'm striving to work harder and be better. I try to not worry, not care about sales or my clothes or my hair. I try to memorize the prices on every piece of product and whats on line. I squeeze every ounce of 4 months experience into everyday and hope it's more than enough because that is what I'm putting into this, yet still feeling like I'm barely holding on.

All I can do is push these thoughts out of my mind. Just push as hard as I can to remain in the moment. Remember there are so many more important things happening in the world. Think about what I'm doing after 6:00 when I get off work. Remember all the fun things about my job. Focus on all the things that I can do. Push the positive energy as hard as I can, retrain my brain and keep on breathing. My life is what I say it is, everyday is how I say it is. I refuse to pay rent in my brain to this.

I want to say that I can do this and I know I can but I have a sinking feeling in my heart, a snag.

Fuck that snag. That is change happening. Push push push, work it.

I don't fake it.

I hate faking it. But was it faking it, or was it just being polite? I didn't really want to see her but she was there. I didn't want to share any bit of myself with her but in a group conversation, it's hard to chose who's listening. And I was being fairly successful at being selective in small side convos but then we were all together and the wedding came up. I listened quietly. I smiled apathetically while the group talked about something I had no clue about, I was not invited. And my smile wasn't apathetic because I was hurting. Somewhere in my heart, or maybe it was my head, I was feeling smothered by this aching of frustration and annoyance.

I want to be her friend, I want her to be someone she's not, I want to move on and not have to be around this kind of thinking and I can, except I want to keep hanging out at girls night and neither she nor I will stop attending. During our "high and low" game at girls night when we talk about our highs and lows of the week, I wanted to say, "Not getting invited to Gabby's wedding and then having to hear everyone talk about it at girls night." But what was the point in doing that? I didn't really want to go. I could feel everyone thinking it, all our minds connected in only the way a group of girls' brains could be, but I still couldn't say it. It would accomplish nothing. Before I was 27 I would have said it just to be bold. Just to put it out there, that I could say it. I was fearless and direct. There was nothing false in my mind. However the 27 year old me is starting to realize that silence isn't being fake. Silence can be strength. Sometimes giving the ache a voice is like giving breath to embers in a fire. I felt good knowing that only I was feeling my feelings and the only fires I was starting was the ones of sisterhood with the women who have loved and supported me through this tumultuous year. ...

I've moved into the house. THE HOUSE. There's a chapter. It is a castle on the hill and Josie and I couldn't be happier. Space, lighting, view, sunshine, city. I'm 5 minutes from work and I don't have to deal with anyone else's living habits. I feel like the dust is settling. And true to form, the closer I get to my birthday the taller I feel. I'm growing.

Piece by piece

Ah. I'm sorta enjoying this. This moment. The calm before the storm. My incandescent lamp next to my bed is glowing with calmness and warmth. Josie has become more snuggly. And I have a plan.

Well not for my whole life, but for the next week. Good enough for me. I've organized my packing for the move, I'm not stressed about asking for help because I know what people are moving (they're not helping me actually pack like previous experiences). Everything will be prepped and ready to go. I'm thinking about all the things I carry around with me and deciding it should only be what I can carry myself and happily most of it is.

I'm looking forward to quiet nights overlooking Portland, making earrings, reading, and working on Kiss My Sass.

My birthday is coming up in just about a month. The end of 27 is almost in sight.

Kim and Adam have been the BEST friends a girl could ask for. They have truly allowed me to get back on my feet and "settle" back into my life in America. I've seen my family a lot this year and the time I have just spent with my sisters and nephews have been priceless. I don't know what I would have done without my dad this year. And Mom, we've had some great times too.

In this moment, all I can be is grateful. Little fuzzy josie ears are poking out around the back of my laptop, nestled into my blankets, reminding me it's time to sleep.

Thank you.