I have to remind myself that I am doing a good job. Unfortunately the bottom line washes out all the mantras I am evoking like inescapable white noise. I feel my manager's doubting eyes burning through the back of my neck and I'm not even at work! I'm sitting in MY house, on MY bed, looking at MY cat. The safe zone has been compromised by the growing wardrobe that was bought to silence these insecurities. They are in on the deal. They are watching me bide my time waiting to see who unravels first. I fear my threads are showing.
My heart is racing, I have 12 hours before my next shift. I sell furniture and apparently my soul.
The worst part is, I truly have no control over what or who is walking in through those doors. If I'm upstairs, I'm missing the clients walking in who know exactly what they want downstairs. If I'm downstairs I'm talking to the person who needs to know where the bathroom is when the person who wants 14 Maxwell chairs is talking to my manager. It really is just a crap shoot. I've tried to just make my managers happy, but unlike the Kennedy school, there is no easy arithmetic for this. There is only the bottom line. That is a sales position.
I'm really trying to work this out. I'm learning every day, I'm striving to work harder and be better. I try to not worry, not care about sales or my clothes or my hair. I try to memorize the prices on every piece of product and whats on line. I squeeze every ounce of 4 months experience into everyday and hope it's more than enough because that is what I'm putting into this, yet still feeling like I'm barely holding on.
All I can do is push these thoughts out of my mind. Just push as hard as I can to remain in the moment. Remember there are so many more important things happening in the world. Think about what I'm doing after 6:00 when I get off work. Remember all the fun things about my job. Focus on all the things that I can do. Push the positive energy as hard as I can, retrain my brain and keep on breathing. My life is what I say it is, everyday is how I say it is. I refuse to pay rent in my brain to this.
I want to say that I can do this and I know I can but I have a sinking feeling in my heart, a snag.
Fuck that snag. That is change happening. Push push push, work it.
Such colorful writing! Maybe you should be a writer????
ReplyDeleteYour flair for the Dramatic spills over into your flawless, brilliant prose that expresses the angst of a young generation searching for a place to belong in the world. Remember that life is a journey, and we are meant to learn something from each chapter. When you look back on this part of your life, you will understand how you got there. (An old friend told me that when I was 28 and really really really disappointed about a job, and looking back on it, he was right.) In any case, keep writing. You're actually really good at it. There is a great local writers network in town. Christine Katz is a great teacher and writer. Here's a bit about her. Ask her to be your facebook friend. She's done some amazing things: "Working on my third book for Writer's Digest. Author of GET KNOWN BEFORE THE BOOK DEAL & WRITER MAMA & the all-new e-book, AUTHOR MAMA. Come on over to christinakatz.com and sign up for the "The Prosperous Writer," so you can share your journey!"
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