I don't fake it.

I hate faking it. But was it faking it, or was it just being polite? I didn't really want to see her but she was there. I didn't want to share any bit of myself with her but in a group conversation, it's hard to chose who's listening. And I was being fairly successful at being selective in small side convos but then we were all together and the wedding came up. I listened quietly. I smiled apathetically while the group talked about something I had no clue about, I was not invited. And my smile wasn't apathetic because I was hurting. Somewhere in my heart, or maybe it was my head, I was feeling smothered by this aching of frustration and annoyance.

I want to be her friend, I want her to be someone she's not, I want to move on and not have to be around this kind of thinking and I can, except I want to keep hanging out at girls night and neither she nor I will stop attending. During our "high and low" game at girls night when we talk about our highs and lows of the week, I wanted to say, "Not getting invited to Gabby's wedding and then having to hear everyone talk about it at girls night." But what was the point in doing that? I didn't really want to go. I could feel everyone thinking it, all our minds connected in only the way a group of girls' brains could be, but I still couldn't say it. It would accomplish nothing. Before I was 27 I would have said it just to be bold. Just to put it out there, that I could say it. I was fearless and direct. There was nothing false in my mind. However the 27 year old me is starting to realize that silence isn't being fake. Silence can be strength. Sometimes giving the ache a voice is like giving breath to embers in a fire. I felt good knowing that only I was feeling my feelings and the only fires I was starting was the ones of sisterhood with the women who have loved and supported me through this tumultuous year. ...

I've moved into the house. THE HOUSE. There's a chapter. It is a castle on the hill and Josie and I couldn't be happier. Space, lighting, view, sunshine, city. I'm 5 minutes from work and I don't have to deal with anyone else's living habits. I feel like the dust is settling. And true to form, the closer I get to my birthday the taller I feel. I'm growing.