Relationship rehab

I feel really strange lately. I've noticed it's because I'm single. For those of you who actually know me, you'll know that I don't usually have that status (unless it's on my facebook). I'm used to dating A LOT. I'm used to dating a lot of people at once A LOT. I used to think it was because I was just looking for the right guy, I was being open minded and not closing anyone out. Everyone would ask me, "how do you find so many people to date?" And I would just shrug my shoulders and tell them, "they just come out of the woodwork." Which is true. But maybe not the whole truth. The rest of the story starts out, "I just start talking to people, or make a comment about something. Just being me." So when I stop to look at those statements I realize they all start with me. I was the one reaching out, and happily accepting the attention that came with it.

Just last week, I had what Oprah would call an 'Ah ha' moment. My friend Chuck emailed me to let me know that he would, once again be coming to visit. He has come to

visit 3 times prior.

Every time, we had hope, we had chemistry and I always had a new love interest. Our timing was shit. Fully anticipating that history would repeat itself, Chuck kindly let me know that he was coming to Ptown in January and asked me who the new guys was, because, typically, that would be the situation. This question had surprising effects on me. At first I laughed. He was right, usually I would be starting another relationship. But then I thought, why would I do that if I had some feelings for Chuck? Which then led me to think, why would I constantly be looking for a new relationship when they don't go anywhere? I'm 27 years old. I want a serious relationship.

So I stopped.

I stopped "looking".

I stopped focusing on who was looking at me, or whose attention I could 'win'.

Full circle back to my last thought....'I was the one reaching out, and happily accepting the attention that came with it.'

Every date started with me, for the most part. Why was I putting myself out there so much? At the time I felt like, if I wanted something to happen I would have to get things started myself. I was asserting myself. And what was wrong with that? ... That perfect rhetorical question turned into an actual question for me today. What was wrong with that? What would happen if I didn't reach out? Would I still get the same attention? Further questions led me to...was I afraid that if I stopped pursing, would no one would reach out to me?

Meanwhile, my only single girlfriend is now dating someone with serious potential. Something else that has me feeling like I'm in another dimension. Mixed feelings of elation for her, a great girl, and a shattering awareness that I ... had nothin. Oh life. Thank you for putting these experiences in front of me so that I can feel the sting of growth.

So - here we are in this relationship rehab. I am resisting the urge to "put out the vibe". I am focusing on getting a job. A job that will lead me to my own apartment where I can have my cat. Then I can be my own person. Even today at the coffee shop, I resisted the urge to sit next to the cute athletic guy reading his willamette weekly at the off chance my proximity could start something. Instead, I focused on my mission to read my book. That would be it. That is change. Change is good. This is going to be a journey of it's own. But I know what I want. I want a partner, a friend, a lover, a husband. And I know what I will not do to get it.

progress? yes.

There was ice on the sand. This was a first for me. Did I mention I'm unemployed? I took advantage and fled to the coast on a whim last night with 3 friends. On our way we stopped for food and I cut my thumb while testing the freshness of a french baguette, I shit you not. This was another first for me. I would show you a picture of my thumb where I was punctured, but every pic I took just looks like a penis because of how close I have to zoom in to see the wound. That would certainly take the sympathy away from being penetrated by a piece of gluten. I don't think that sentence helped my case either.

It's also colder than it has been in Oregon in the last 2o years. I still live in the basement. I like eggnog, I didn't know this about myself.

I am currently reading 3 books : The NEW Strategic Selling by Miller and Heiman, The Friday Night Knitting club by Kate Jacobs and Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches. I've never read 3 books at the same time before.

When Dusty (Brent's cousin) texted me "So, should I stop calling you?" I wrote out my text thoughtfully while in the rose room of Powell's book shopping for my nephew's Christmas present : Diary of a Wimpy Kid (ironic, yes? Will I ever know when to use that word?). Instead of sending it, the youtube video 'You can't text message break up' flashed in my mind and I resigned to dialing his number. It was short and sweet. "Yeah, I'm not ready for anything serious and this is getting serious." He was completely understanding and I was proud of myself. I thought to myself, "I'm 27."

Bolivian vizcacha

Okay, I'm 27 and I never knew these animals existed. They are magnificent. What else don't I know about this world? Somehow these creatures will play a significant role in my development this year. Stay tuned.

the terrible 27's

The profound weight of starting something is incredible. Even when it can be one mere step.

Anyways - I'm 27 and I've been this way for only about 3 months as of September 4th. So far, it sucks. I am now going to document this momentous year, as I have heard 27 sucks.

They have the terrible 2's but no one ever talks about the terrible 27's.

When there is a lot to learn, there is a lot to fail miserably at. So far, I'm failing miserably. But at the same time, every moment feels like a brick that is paving my path. We'll see.

let me catch you up on the first few months :

I moved from Shin-asahi, Japan into my friend Gabby's basement. She owns the home with her fiancee Brent. I've never lived with a couple. I've known them for about 3+ years and was told several times that, "I am the ONLY person they would both agree to let live with them."

My 27th birthday was celebrated amongst several great friends who I hadn't

seen since I was 25 (I spent my 26th year in Japan). We went to the Radio room and shared drinks and homemade cupcakes from my friend Gabs. My Japanese boyfriend from Australia (Nobu) was visiting me. We had dated for 3 months when he came to America in hopes of convincing me to move immediately to Australia. After being away from my family for a year prior, I couldn't stomach the idea of leaving again. That relationship was the closest I have ever been to getting married. We broke up shortly after he left.

My second month as a 27 year old was chalk full of turmoil and professional enlightenment.

I created an online portfolio, something I had been dreading since I graduated college in 2004. I was hitting up all my contacts and talking to people everyday. My confidence about finding the job I wanted was high. I felt like there was really nothing to lose. Meanwhile, my roommates were trying to establish boundaries in the house, mostly how far they could interfere with my personal relationships. I was told that I wasn't allowed to see someone while I lived in their home. I thought I was a 27 year old woman? Hmmm.....Trying to figure this out, while being respectful towards my friends yet trying to maintain my autonomy was tough. It was enough to shake me to the core, my friends living upstairs but not talking to me, wanting to get to know this person I was forbidden to see but not wanting to cause a mess. oy vey! Apparently, it wasn't anything a birthday couldn't fix, my roommates and I started to put an end to the ridiculousness of controlling relationships and focus on being roomies again.

While focusing on how to share the house with my 2 friends, I was also learning how to share the basement with a large family of wolf spiders. Unfortunately 3 of the mother fuckers met their demise by the sole of my shoe, 3 of their growing offspring by newspaper against the wall. As they say, all is fair in love and war and I have a fancy flesh rotting scab healing on the side of my leg from one of those monsters sneaking up on me in my sleep. Most nights I lay awake constantly sweeping my hand across my face and hair, the only parts of my body exposed to the cold basement air not protected by my fleece sheets. Though I think it is interesting that I can have more of an understanding between me and an 8 legged hunter than a couple of people I have known for years. The spider bite oddly enough seemed like a physical manifestation of the emotional situation I was enduring with my roommate/friends.

Most recently, 2 of my close girlfriends from high school have found out they are pregnant. They are also married to the men of their dreams. I am 27, I don't even have a boyfriend. There is only 1 other lady in my circle of friends who is as single as I and though it does NO good, I have to wonder how I got here. How did I end up the single girl? I remind myself I love my life and all the experiences thus far. That being said, I am about to start reading my first dating book...everyone could use a little perspective.

A theme has emerged for 27 : there are no missions in life (Unbearable lightness of Being), failure is human destiny (Amelie), there is no success like failure, and failure is no success at all (Bob Dylan). All of these things I have read, watched or heard within the first 3 months of being 27. I am keeping my mind and heart open and ready to fail, gratefully and willingly in order to grow. I'm ready. Bring it on 27!