DELETE.

I just sent an email I meant to delete, to a person who I don't think will just brush it off. It wasn't terribly mean, but the end did trail off into a personal vent that went something like "why do you think we tell you all the mundane bullshit we do. Get a life. Merry Christmas."

I sent a follow up email apologizing for sending it on accident.

It feels like a terrible cluster fuck of a problem, but part of me feels like...maybe it needed to be put out there?

Hmmmmm......

I am too privileged if that is what I am going to spend my time worrying about.

I run food...I run - food.

I'm 27 and I'm a food runner. I can tell you honestly I feel like I am living a second life. I got back from Japan and hit a "reset" button. And here I am.

I have just completed my first week as a food runner at the Mcmenamin's Kennedy School. I HAVE NEVER WORKED SO HARD IN MY LIFE. Well, physically anyway. The first day I was sore before my shift was over - I almost quit there right on the spot. How could "I" end up doing such a laborious MINIMUM WAGE job at 27?

As much as I just capslocked, I'm actually enjoying this little jarby of mine. It is sooooo much work to carry trays of food across the entire school to get the food to the bars. And it's not a straight shot and there are several stairs that I have to walk up and down carrying these trays as well. Every muscle in my body is sore, but I have convinced myself that I will be completely in shape by the end of the month. The people that I work with are fantastic and quirky and low key and crazy and best of all, I get to spend all that time in the Kennedy school - one of my favorite places. The shifts go by so fast and when I get a break I get a free meal, no complaints so far.

Let me tally a few things from the first week : I have 2 blisters on my right food, my left foot big toe feels like the nail is going to rip off (from wearing the wrong shoes). I almost dropped a large pizza on a table of elderly people, but they caught it. I did drop 1 mini pizza, but not on anyone. I have fun hanging out with this guy named James in the pizza kitchen. He has shaggy hair and chops but has a decent build. He's funny and sweet, but so are all the guys that work in the kitchen. A great crazy lot. The worst part of this job : just how heavy the trays are, totemo muzikashii (very difficult). The best part : being in the Kennedy School and just how fast the nights go by.

Tomorrow I must call Williams-Sonoma about their In house Interior design position.....must keep pushing for a design job. I've also been inspired after hanging out at my dad's house this morning, to design (and build) a head board...that says "good morning". More to come. I am here in this moment. I am happy to have this life and to get to see where each moment takes me.

SE comfort

The move was quick - thanks to my Mom (my biggest fan and supporter). Immediately I felt at home. There is carpet, and pets and it smells like incense. It was warm and Kim and Adam didn't give a rats ass that I had boxes in the living room from moving. I have a room...a real room, with 4 walls and a window and a heater. Its just so much more mellow here. Hallelujah.

Kim cooked me dinner tonight. Just the fact that we are all sitting around and cooking and eating communally felt great.

Today is the first day I lived here in SE. So far, it's brilliant. This coming week I will be starting my job at Kennedy school as a food server. I will also find out about working at Wellsfargo tomorrow. I will also hang art work and put all my shit away so I will officially be "living" here. Woohoo!! Pictures to come.

Good night NE

tonight is my last night living in "the basement". I put it in quotation marks because it means so much more than just living below some one's home.

I've lived here since the first weekend in September. This is the first weekend in January. Four months. There has been a lot of ups and downs, although, unfortunately, more downs than ups for me. When all is said and done, I have nothing but gratitude for the friends who let me live in their home so graciously for practically nothing financially. I'm sure I will look back at this experience as a farce and just part of my wild adventure back in America.

Part of me feels like I am officially closing the chapter to Kyla before Japan. When I came back it was easy to slide back into the life I knew, but it wasn't the same and I knew it never would be. My friend Chris was telling me the other day, "I can't act like the whole year in Japan never happened." I suppose I never really thought that I was, but I can see how that could have happened.

Lessons I learned while living in this house for 4 months : Sometimes the most verbal communication can say nothing about what you are meaning and that silence has the power to say everything. I also learned that life is too short to placate a comfortable living situation, however necessary it may be at the time.

I really want to learn a balance between going along with something so as not to rock the boat (knowing that I will shortly be leaving the situation full stop) and trying to prove my point to the death (not literally). I think just being able to see where I am on this spectrum has helped me grow exponentially.

No more spiders, no more cold house. No more having to wear a stocking cap to sleep. No more post its (maybe). No more emails. No more reminders. There will still be a cat gate to jump over but it won't be to get up and down the stairs. No more windows left open. No more "no boys" policy in my room. No more walking through a dark house. No more - can't leave my electric toothbrush plugged in. No more recycling on the floor by the front door.

I am looking forward to being just friends again. (long pause). yup.

Next week I will be living in SE with another couple. Kim and Adam. Kim I've known since junior high. Next week I'll start my new job at the Kennedy school being a food runner - which I have mixed feelings about. Excited when I think about the job, and then insecure about my "title" - oh fuck it. Find out about Wellsfargo on Monday...so maybe 2 jobs. Chuck will be in town. Of course. Let it all start all over again. Let the fresh rain pour down and another day begin.

coincidence #1

Watching Maximum Risk for the first time, the video screens across a clock at a train station. The time is 7:55pm. I look at my clock. It's 7:55pm.

I've got a crush on you.

Do you have a crush on me? Can we make this work? I would like to. I'm a little afraid. I don't want to hide or be too strong. I want to be vulnerable. I want to be emotionally available. Lets have fun. Together.