2 for 1

So my family has been begging me to try eharmony. I have been dragging my feet. Come on! I'm 27, not 45. And I'm attractive and fun. I've always thought, 'when people stop asking me out, and I can't find a date then I'll try it out'. But that hasn't happened yet.

Just last night in fact I had plans to go out with an old "flame" of mine. He wanted to reconnect since he was the last person I saw before I went to Japan. He popped up on my gchat and cunningly asked me to have a "private dance party". What a guy. I suggested we just go out and he agreed. We booked Tuesday night, for which I had to cancel later on, remembering I had plans with Sarah already. So he texted that we should try for Wednesday. He also said he would email me what the plans were before Wednesday. Last night.

I didn't actually receive those plans by Wednesday, but figured he'd just call or text me where to meet him that night.

I did my hair, I took time to do my make up really nice, I picked out an outfit. I was going out. It just felt good to have plans to go out. When I got to work, the sweet 21 year old boy who asked if I was also 21 also asked me if I wanted to get a drink that night. I told him I got off at 8:30, gave him my phone number because I didn't have my phone on me while I was working and figured if boy #1 didn't show I would have plans with boy #2. This night was turning out pretty damn good. I was feeling hot, not gonna lie.

I rushed into the office to turn my phone on, in case boy #2 called to give me his phone number (if the phone's off it won't track a missed called). I also turned it on "just in case" boy #1 needed to leave me a message.

I checked my phone at 7:30. Nothing. I checked my phone at 8:00. Nothing. I made plans with both boys at 8:30. I started to get nervous when my shift wasn't even close to ending at 8:30, but gave it until 8:45 to check for messages because I was trying to convince myself I wasn't desperate. 8:45, nothing. fuck them.

I just got stood up by 2 people on the same fucking day. What the fuck.

I got out of work at 9:30 and I did what any girl would do. Drove to the nearest store and bought haagen dazs and ate it in bed....knowing full well how terrible it is to eat anything in bed.

The highlight of the evening was that instead of driving down the street to the store my roommate suggested I try the 76 gas station next to the apartment. I thought I would give it a try. Sometimes the stores didn't even have my ice cream and I didn't want to drive around too much, I just wanted to bury myself in my covers and feel sorry for myself.

When I got to the 76, not only did they have a million different haagen dazs flavors, they ALSO had Ben and Jerry's half baked (my favorite Ben and Jerry's) and as I approached the counter, I checked the freezer box with the bars of ice cream and they had my haagen dazs coffee almond crunch bar! It was like the universe was apologizing to me for such a shitty day by supplying me with all my favorite ice creams. I grabbed the 1 coffee almond crunch bar as to ration my emotional eating and headed home, to my cat.

Please don't say 21.

I've had this conversation a few times now and it's starting to really annoy the shit out of me.

him : How old are you? 21?

me : Awe, wow. Ya, right?

him : no, seriously. You're like 21 right?

me : no, I'm ... 27.

him : (expression of pure shock) no way!?!

me : how old are you?

him : (still look of shock on their face) pause

me : 21? (people always tend to guess their own age)

him : ya.

me : (pure disappointment) of course.

Every time I've had this conversation (at least 3 times now) I know they are going to say they are 21. I just know it. But every time I ask, I am desperately hoping they say, "no, I'm 29." Hell, I'd settle for 25 at this point.

Last night I had this conversation with a coworker. After explaining to him that I was 27, I actually wondered if that was the right number. I seriously gave it a minute to be like, "am I 27, no...maybe I am 21?" As I threw my apron on and tried to escape, still in disbelief, he exclaimed, "27?!? Wow, you must moisturize."

How is a 27 year old person suppose to look? Dried up? Oh man.

When you're not looking

As of late I have heard from a few different people, "you'll find someone when you're not looking."

For the record : I hear you.

I would also like to add that, even though I carry this knowledge with me, when I am feeling lonely, and when I am feeling an emptiness in me, it feels natural to seek out the attention.

Aha moment : maybe this isn't the healthiest way to go about remedying these emotions.

(aka - stop trying to make out with that guy who has a girlfriend, regardless of how much attention he is giving you, or how much attention you are perceiving he is giving you)

honestly, it's like a cloud, a thick haze that comes over me when I am around him. I want his attention, I want to "win" him....for my own selfish purposes. terrible.

that is terrible!

but it's how I feel and I am writing down because I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like that and continuing to push the limits. It's addicting. Those feelings.

In my mind, I look at his eyes and feel a connection, a sinking to my pit connection. His smile is embracing and warmth and everything I feel that I am missing. AND HE IS NOT MINE. So move on sister! The funny thing is (what a great expression) is that when I think about attention from other men, for a moment, I am able to forget about this one person.

This morning I woke up and told myself - I don't need to know "why" I shouldn't be around him, I just need to stop. And by hanging out with him I am putting myself in those situations that could be a problem. Like an alcoholic going to a bar, thinking, I can control this. And desperately hoping that I can relinquish my control at any second to the rush I get being around him. Oh this is addiction.

It gets complicated because I don't want to stop being available to dating people. But I almost feel like I need to cut myself off in order to have a healthier perspective of relationships. Where is the balance? Thinking about these things makes my heart race and my head spin. I feel out of control.

And perhaps that is what people are trying to say all along.

Let go. Just let go.

under toe

I was so close to shore after months adrift in harsh waters.

My toes sunk into the velvet sand below the water.

I heaved my body inch by inch slowly breaking free from the body of water that clung to my skin.

Finally the water had pulled back and I was left standing, trembling and exposed, the weight of my body parting the sand below my feet.

I collapsed on the shore having abandoned my strength.

The rough sand stinging my cheek, held me for a moment.

In that moment of peace, without warning, my body was swallowed by the rushing water and I was being drug back out to sea.

my terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

I sleep better when the beds been made.

I feel like I'm constantly compensating for something in my life. my father says, "boy you just love drama." my mom says, "they put ink in my heart, I'll let you know when I get the tests back....stop pressuring me to see a counselor.......it's over! He put his hands on me.....should I not bring him his dinner?.......Gabby called me, and we talked for an hour." James says, "my girlfriend smokes outside." Michelle says, "it's the lunar gravity." I keep talking about Stuart. Kim and I continue to learn more about our differences, but we laugh at the bride's maid dresses I've tried on.

Gabby sends yet another email that I don't respond to. My dad says, "you're my girl." My food stamps run out and I overdraft my account for the second time to buy frivolous food. I have a check in my purse. I worry that I say too much. I worry that I say too much to everyone. When I hear what I've said aloud, it depresses me and embarrasses me, I can only imagine these people, acquaintances and close friends a like see how fallen apart I am.

I drank 7 drinks last night and drove home. I called my ex boyfriend. The only one I would consider an ex. We broke up 5 years ago. I drove to his house and brought him back here. I kissed him. I was angry about James and saying too much to Taryn about James, angry about Jake, angry for gabby calling my mom and not me, angry for being a 27 year old food runner with $200 in the bank after paying $70 in 2 overdraft fees, tired of telling people, "oh that's my dad's truck, I live with my friend and can't afford o pay rent. I'm single, no husband, no children. Why? I don't know." I'm tired of talking about gabby.

Then Katie calls and in an instant we are laughing about all of it. My heart is light, my smile has sopped up some of my heartache. Life is O.K.