When you're not looking

As of late I have heard from a few different people, "you'll find someone when you're not looking."

For the record : I hear you.

I would also like to add that, even though I carry this knowledge with me, when I am feeling lonely, and when I am feeling an emptiness in me, it feels natural to seek out the attention.

Aha moment : maybe this isn't the healthiest way to go about remedying these emotions.

(aka - stop trying to make out with that guy who has a girlfriend, regardless of how much attention he is giving you, or how much attention you are perceiving he is giving you)

honestly, it's like a cloud, a thick haze that comes over me when I am around him. I want his attention, I want to "win" him....for my own selfish purposes. terrible.

that is terrible!

but it's how I feel and I am writing down because I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like that and continuing to push the limits. It's addicting. Those feelings.

In my mind, I look at his eyes and feel a connection, a sinking to my pit connection. His smile is embracing and warmth and everything I feel that I am missing. AND HE IS NOT MINE. So move on sister! The funny thing is (what a great expression) is that when I think about attention from other men, for a moment, I am able to forget about this one person.

This morning I woke up and told myself - I don't need to know "why" I shouldn't be around him, I just need to stop. And by hanging out with him I am putting myself in those situations that could be a problem. Like an alcoholic going to a bar, thinking, I can control this. And desperately hoping that I can relinquish my control at any second to the rush I get being around him. Oh this is addiction.

It gets complicated because I don't want to stop being available to dating people. But I almost feel like I need to cut myself off in order to have a healthier perspective of relationships. Where is the balance? Thinking about these things makes my heart race and my head spin. I feel out of control.

And perhaps that is what people are trying to say all along.

Let go. Just let go.