Friends

Okay. I need new friends. This is ridiculous.

One of the reasons I returned to America was because of the plethora of friends I had developed before I left. My friends are very important to me. Developing my friendships and staying in touch is important to me. Apparently, only to me.

I used to have girls night where I conglomerated all my lady friends so I could see them all at one time and they could become close. It was awesome for about 3 years. Then I moved to Japan, moved back and BAM : change. Which is completely natural. However, I didn't anticipate such a large shift in the way I viewed my friends.

I think before Japan (or "pre" Japan as my Dad and I coined - B.J. was too awkward so we say P. J.) I was devoted to my friends in so far as to over look certain attributes that may have compromised my feelings. But now, UM, no. If shit isn't vibing, shit isn't vibing. Take for example the whole Gabby thing - she felt like I took advantage of people who cared about me. Does that fit into how I see myself or my interactions with people I care about? NO. So, sorry. If I don't work for you, you don't work for me and I'm okay with cutting ties.

Unfortunately this has been happening with a few other of my core friends. I have another BEST friend who used to be my roommate. P.J. she told me she didn't want me to try out for her softball team. Not just that she didn't want me to try out, but that her softball team was a serious sport and not just a "fun" thing to do. Okay. P.J. I brushed it off, wanting to look past silly shit like a softball team. But since I've been back her opinion has not changed. Has she seen me play softball? No. Has she seen me be athletic? No. She continues to drag out her feelings as fact and it not only pisses me off because when someone tells me I can't do something I want nothing more than to prove them wrong, but also because she is simply JUDGING me. FAITHLESS in my abilities, nor does she have interest in the joy I would get out of playing a game of softball with a fellow comrade. Fuck if she could tell me of a beginners league, simply put, "I can't play softball, she doesn't want me to get hurt."

This is petty, yes. But if you're me, you're reading in between the lines that are in between the lines and you see that what she is saying is : you're not a good enough person to be around in other social environments.

Fine.

BUT THEN....my rock, my very flaky but always predictable friend has of late been putting me off. And tonight after her telling me eagerly we should get together, she ignored my call after 2 rings, then texted me she was too tired to hang out.

Fine.

Side story....asshole mcgee has been laying it on VERY thick lately, going so far as to ask me out tonight and find out when he could take me out to dinner. I was TOTALLY going to blow him off, knowing full well if I was to call him tonight he would blow me off, but after being blown off by my "best" friend I threw my hands in the air and called him.

I NEED NEW FRIENDS. AVAILABLE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME - WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY HANG OUT IN BETWEEN MY THREE JOBS.

He answered and I hung out with him and a friend. Hallelujah. We hung out.

I felt wreckless and impulsive by calling him. I can't help I have a HUGE crush on him. He is total eye candy for me. Is he 'dicking me around' as my Dad declared? I don't know. But he answered his damn phone and we hung out. Which is A LOT more than I can say for my friends these days (Trish excluded who implored me to take the boat out today and I couldn't because of work).

What I'm trying to say, in so many words, I'm frustrated that the people who mean the world to me and who I make priority are treating me like .... well, "friends" I guess. And I need f r i e n d s. I am totally spoiled by my sister Katie who makes me feel like #1 regardless. I love you. And you too Kara. But family aside -

At this point I'll take a quick illusion of friendship over a cold rain check any day.