First rule of fight club.

I have these feelings damn it and I need to express myself but all I can think of is the next Sunday breakfast at my dad's house where my family will casually throw in a few tidbits from this blog and we'll have to talk about it. Which ultimately is probably a healthy reaction, but now all of a sudden my inner rage is being shy. Shit. Not even rage, just, feelings. They have become 'explanations' instead. shit. fuck.

So, I'm dating this boy. And I have a new rule. I'm not allowed to talk about boys that I haven't been on at least 5 dates with. But technically, since this isn't a conversation (yet) I can talk about him here. Well the parts that I'm still digesting, because the reason why I don't want to talk about it, is because I've already said EVERYTHING THERE IS TO SAY ABOUT MEETING SOMEONE. Perhaps I'm jaded. But I do have some interesting insights about this new boy that I haven't experienced in a while. Something new.

Side note : do you know how sometimes I'll say (write) the word alas at the end of a sentence or thought? Well, I said that to him at one point and he followed with : A lad. That shit cracks me up. Although as I'm writing this I'm wondering if it was him who said it, or someone else I hung out with recently. No, it was him. How cute is that? He said it was the kind of humor his dad used - that's how I remember. His dad is dead.

So, some new revelations. Time apart is good. I feel like I now have the capacity for space. I don't worry if he calls or doesn't. I don't worry when we'll see each other again. I did for a split second wonder if it was a good idea to bump our Wednesday date to a Tuesday thing for a couple of reasons. 1) I was initiating. And I'm really not into that these days - I say, let the man have control over those details or not. 2) I really wanted to get caught up on So You Think You Can Dance. But all in all we had a great time Tuesday and I was relieved my initial feeling of rushing turned out to be just good ole fashion fun.....meaning yes, we made out in his car. But just making out (that's the ole fashion part).

We have plans for a fourth date on Sunday. He's taking me to breakfast (because I kicked his ass at bowling). So that means I will go - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday - 4 days without seeing him. It's kinda weird. It's slow but not slow, you know. Because my brain works in rapid succession, it's usually hard for me to have to think about things for so long, analyzing every moment and whatnot. But instead, I've kinda turned that off and I'm just .... present. He also likes to dance. And I'm not saying that like 'woohoo someone who likes to dance', more like, 'it's awesome and I'm surprised how uncomfortable it makes me that he is so open with his moves'. But at the same time, I'm inspired. I don't really want to throw too many details out there, but he kinda (to me) looks a little Tom cruise-ish. I love me some Tom Cruise. I mean not exactly like him but kinda. Hm?

While I'm not talking about this person I've only been on 3 dates with, I'm going to say it feels strange to feel comfortable with someone. A whole new slew of questions and concerns/walls are forming and I've begun to strategize how to get through this. And yet at the same time, I feel relaxed and confident about me. So, who knows what's going to happen? And.

Friend ships

I sailed away

I came back

I was attacked then deserted

I sailed away

The water calmed down

I returned yet again

The water was the same, though changed in my eyes

The water will always be beautiful

as long as I stay in my ship.

Taking one for the team

I'm sitting across from a first date. Or, maybe a second date. It's a coffee date at Stumptown. This is good. Good to observe the beginning of two people. Good to not be in the first date, oy vey. It looks like a train wreck.

Long conversations. Sitting side by side, having to turn your head. Over talking, for talking sake. Over sharing tidbits of your life or filling the time with random thoughts that come into your head. A song comes on, a story of traveling experience with a turn on a dance floor and a cry, turns into a conversation about dancing. Dancing turns into school dances to school. School to her children, her children to the kids he works with. A forced flirtatious laughter; something else to fill the obvious disconnect between them. I would like to consider this the push. The push is forcing your energy closer to theirs, a jump across the void to bring oneself closer. It is a force against something unnatural. It's a lack of physical attraction. Otherwise it wouldn't matter what was coming out of their mouth.

However, I have to say, people do push themselves outside of their "attractive" expectation box, because you learn as you get older, we are all mostly just looking for kindness and love and a friend; a connection somewhere, between someone (hence the push). I'm not saying they won't be perfect for each other in the long run, but now, they are not "naturally" comfortable with each other.

She is a slender 30 year old woman with pink pocka dots on her socks. Short brown hair, coffee in hand. He is a tall mid 30's gentleman. A few piercings up his earlobe, his slightly portly jowl is covered by his bushy goatee. He sports some thick black rim glasses and his black tee over a white tee is speckled by his morning's beard trimmings. He doesn't notice. Nice.

She started to talk about how her daughter wants to be a writer. Awkwardly - and as all rambling slightly disconnected conversations go - he tries to relate and share intimacy by expressing his love for writing.

Swing and a miss.

She wanted to share more about her daughter. She's not interested in his passion for writing. She stops actively listening. He senses her distance and talks more about what he writes and how long he has written in an attempt to say the right thing. He finishes enigmatically with...."but I don't enjoy playing scramble, huh".

She tries to save him, "huh. Interesting."

Ah.

My coffee is good. I'm sitting at stumptown alone and feeling amazing. I'm soooooo glad I'm watching this "date" as opposed to being in one. I am almost grateful that these people are taking one for the singles team today. I'm going to continue researching the ICFF (International Contemporary Furniture Fair) and eyeballing the "single" man journaling adjacent from me. And happily doing it, alone.

Everything I wanted to know, I learned from my cat.

Josie.

Perfect in every way.

Lately, I've been worried about her. Every time I am in her presence she is meowing and cawing me into the room to feed her. That would be normal behavior if I haven't fed her during her feeding time. However, this is maybe just 30 minutes or less from the last time I fed her. She is frantic and wrought with desperation as if she will never get fed again if there is no food in her bowl. No amount of loving or distraction detours her from her mission to put food into the bowl.

Granted she is dealing with new elements in her living conditions.

She is used to being a "snacker". But as of late I have to remove all the left over food in her bowl when she is done "feeding" so Olive the other cat can't eat it (Olive has to eat special food to prevent a urinary tract infection. She is special needs.) Well, when the food goes away, Josie freaks out. She likes to eat several times a day and she has regulated and controlled her food consumption like that for the last 6 years I've had her.

And now, things have changed.

Last night, she was wailing for food. Even after I fed her, waited for her to eat it (which she did hurriedly) and had the door shut so she could snack for as long as she wished. She has learned that no matter what the food will be taken out and not there. It was really starting to get ANNOYING. I was annoyed with her. My baby! I just couldn't figure her out. What happened to the Josie I used to know who would sleep all day and strut with sloth like movements toward her food dish to supplement herself before her next nap? I kept reminding her, "you don't have to eat so fast. There is no reason for you to be freaking out like this all the time. You know that you will be fed. You just ate 10 minutes ago, you are not even hungry. You are just afraid that the food won't be there, but you know food is always going to be there." Suddenly it hit me.

I do the same thing about men and dating.

You know what I mean. You've read these pathetic single antics on my blog. Wailing for a man to come into my life. Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? I sound just like Josie desperate for her food.

Immediately I laughed. Wow. And then I felt still. I felt reassured. I felt content that someday I will meet him. It has been less than a week since my last date for heaven's sake. There is no need to be so in a hurry to find someone. There is always someone new to meet and have fun with. So in the mean time, I will just RELAX and enjoy life leisurely, just like Josie used to, curled up into a ball on the end of my bed, with happy, sleepy eyes, trusting that everything she ever needed would be provided without question.

raft trip raft trip raft trip!

OMG! The raft trip is coming up! woot woot!

I didn't get to go last year for obvious reasons...out of the country blah blah blah. But this is my favorite thing to do every year. Despite the awkward tension amongst food groups (my family cooks their own meals and then everyone else is in a food group) and despite the overt contests to see who has the best (most expensive) toys, gear, food, wine, cigars, scotch, lounge chairs, sunscreen, juice, clothes, head lamps, sleeping bags, cameras, etc...I love this camping trip. It's 4 days OUTSIDE. 4 days on the earth itself, floating and drinking, feeling the air on my skin, hardly any electronic devices in sight. Just me, a book and a greyhound with my feet in the river. Fuck ya.

I wish my sisters could come, we always find some way to entertain ourselves, inevitably entertaining everyone else. Alas, it just wasn't in the cards for this trip. However, 2 of my darling and longest time friends are coming : Nick and Tim. Both of whom I've dated, etc. Both of whom I went on my first rafting trips with, both of whom are best friends. I have recently just reconnected with Nick who I've known since I was about 3ish, but I haven't seen Tim since we last dated, about 2 years ago. Hmmm....I'm glad we have all remained friends, and it will be SUCH an adventure to see how this year's rafting trip group dynamic will work out. I swear they should make some sort of reality show out of this.

I will sadly miss my older sister getting incredibly drunk by 7:00 and passing out somewhere dangerous, like in a bush full of tics, but it will save me the pain of having to slap her or drag her to the tent. HA! I guess she'll just have to do that in the privacy of her own backyard this year. And Kara will just have to go on entertaining her husband and vice versa at home with their new little kitty Sitka. I digress.

I can't wait to feel the chill of spring as I'm floating down the river, reminding me that I'm alive and life is good. Ahh.

I'm not there yet.

A reoccurring theme this year, I may have already touched on : A complete lack of follow through. I am walking through a cloud of personal growth and exploration this year and intermittently men will appear out of the mist and slide back just as quickly into another pocket of it. As they come into focus they say things like, "lets hang out" "I want to spend more time with you" "I like you" and that is the last thing I hear before they disappear.

I had all but figured out this game of mirage when the world took it to the next level.

There is a man at work who offered to let me buy his dresser. I truly believed I manifested this experience because of late, I had been looking much closer at my dresser situation and thinking about what kind of dresser I would like to have. Then one day, "Hey Kyla, do you by any chance need a dresser?"

"Yes!"

"I'll sell it to you for $75, 1940's art deco, mahogany, 5 drawers."

"Um, PERFECT!"

Yesterday I get a call. "I'm soooooo sorry, but I'm not going to be able to give you the dresser because my mom really wants to keep it in the family."

Honestly, I get that. I respect the family heirloom issue. Have you met my mother? But in all actuality, this is another instance where the world is telling me to not hold my breath. Another smack down in the game of high hopes. A secured transaction slid into a pocket of mist.

I know this sounds like a lot of wah wah wah, but I'm trying to figure this out. I am desperately trying to learn the lessons of this year. I'm pretty damn stubborn and am really not getting it so easily. Fortunately for me, the world keeps drilling it into me one empty promise at a time.

Wow. Way to end on a high note.

Friends

Okay. I need new friends. This is ridiculous.

One of the reasons I returned to America was because of the plethora of friends I had developed before I left. My friends are very important to me. Developing my friendships and staying in touch is important to me. Apparently, only to me.

I used to have girls night where I conglomerated all my lady friends so I could see them all at one time and they could become close. It was awesome for about 3 years. Then I moved to Japan, moved back and BAM : change. Which is completely natural. However, I didn't anticipate such a large shift in the way I viewed my friends.

I think before Japan (or "pre" Japan as my Dad and I coined - B.J. was too awkward so we say P. J.) I was devoted to my friends in so far as to over look certain attributes that may have compromised my feelings. But now, UM, no. If shit isn't vibing, shit isn't vibing. Take for example the whole Gabby thing - she felt like I took advantage of people who cared about me. Does that fit into how I see myself or my interactions with people I care about? NO. So, sorry. If I don't work for you, you don't work for me and I'm okay with cutting ties.

Unfortunately this has been happening with a few other of my core friends. I have another BEST friend who used to be my roommate. P.J. she told me she didn't want me to try out for her softball team. Not just that she didn't want me to try out, but that her softball team was a serious sport and not just a "fun" thing to do. Okay. P.J. I brushed it off, wanting to look past silly shit like a softball team. But since I've been back her opinion has not changed. Has she seen me play softball? No. Has she seen me be athletic? No. She continues to drag out her feelings as fact and it not only pisses me off because when someone tells me I can't do something I want nothing more than to prove them wrong, but also because she is simply JUDGING me. FAITHLESS in my abilities, nor does she have interest in the joy I would get out of playing a game of softball with a fellow comrade. Fuck if she could tell me of a beginners league, simply put, "I can't play softball, she doesn't want me to get hurt."

This is petty, yes. But if you're me, you're reading in between the lines that are in between the lines and you see that what she is saying is : you're not a good enough person to be around in other social environments.

Fine.

BUT THEN....my rock, my very flaky but always predictable friend has of late been putting me off. And tonight after her telling me eagerly we should get together, she ignored my call after 2 rings, then texted me she was too tired to hang out.

Fine.

Side story....asshole mcgee has been laying it on VERY thick lately, going so far as to ask me out tonight and find out when he could take me out to dinner. I was TOTALLY going to blow him off, knowing full well if I was to call him tonight he would blow me off, but after being blown off by my "best" friend I threw my hands in the air and called him.

I NEED NEW FRIENDS. AVAILABLE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME - WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY HANG OUT IN BETWEEN MY THREE JOBS.

He answered and I hung out with him and a friend. Hallelujah. We hung out.

I felt wreckless and impulsive by calling him. I can't help I have a HUGE crush on him. He is total eye candy for me. Is he 'dicking me around' as my Dad declared? I don't know. But he answered his damn phone and we hung out. Which is A LOT more than I can say for my friends these days (Trish excluded who implored me to take the boat out today and I couldn't because of work).

What I'm trying to say, in so many words, I'm frustrated that the people who mean the world to me and who I make priority are treating me like .... well, "friends" I guess. And I need f r i e n d s. I am totally spoiled by my sister Katie who makes me feel like #1 regardless. I love you. And you too Kara. But family aside -

At this point I'll take a quick illusion of friendship over a cold rain check any day.